Subject: Situations (Page 31)

I'm not against half-naked girls – not as often as I'd like to be.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Appearance Body Clothing Situations

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig; you get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Animals Situations

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never try to pick up a woman who is wearing a Super Bowl ring.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Dating People Relationships Situations

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Animals Situations

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Activities Clothing Shopping Situations Women

The sky is falling… no, I'm tipping over backwards.


Science/Weather Situations

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Animals Situations

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Situations

Adventure is just bad planning.

(1872 – 1928) Norwegian Arctic & Antarctic explorer
Situations

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

Epitaphs Situations Sleep

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Failure Situations Success

Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking I got an odor eater.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

A politician is an animal which can sit on a fence and yet keep both ears to the ground.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Politicians Situations

I just wish once someone would call me "Sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations Sleep Work

A tie would make a stronger impression on your boss if you used it as a blindfold and kidnapped him.

(1982 – ) American author
Appearance Clothing Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations