Subject: Situations (Page 32)

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

Easiest job you could ever have… whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt."

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Law Situations

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Situations

The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Situations

So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family Mothers Sex Situations

I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

(1937 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Proverbs Situations

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)
Characteristics Situations

Somehow I never quite know what’s going on.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Life Situations

It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.

Proverbs Situations Time

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations

Sometimes people have had terrible childhoods… and sometimes they just haven’t found their special place in life… and sometimes they’re dogs from hell and must be destroyed.

(1912 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Addams Family)
People Situations

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright
Government Law Situations

I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.

(1967 – ) American television host, producer, writer & comedian
Situations

100% pure yarn.

Situations

An old friend will help you move; a good friend will help you move a dead body.


Friends People Situations

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Family Parents Situations

I used to carry condoms, but I know I’ve got a better chance of getting a stomach ache than getting laid.

American comedian
Health Sex Situations