Subject: Situations (Page 32)

It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Situations

All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People Self Situations

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

(1882 – 1961) politician
Communication Language Situations Speech

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

Situations

The news of any politician’s death should be listed under ”Public Improvements.”

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Death Government Politicians Situations

I used to be indecisive; but now I'm not sure.

Characteristics Situations

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

American comedian
Relationships Situations

Never let the bastard back into my room again… unless I need him.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
People Situations

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Problems Situations

Up the creek without a saddle.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

You guys keeping up on that Jeffrey Dahmer thing, the guy that ate 17 people?… you know, I could understand one or two, but 17 – you're eating just to eat.

(1951 – ) American comedian & writer
Eating Food/Drink Situations

If you're in a hole, stop digging.

Problems Situations

[Coedness] is like a radical agenda forced on college students.

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Education Misspokements School Situations

The next time I send a damn fool for something, I go myself.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Misspokements Situations

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Characteristics Situations

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I’m going to kill him with my bear hands.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

American stand-up comedian
Relationships Situations Sports