Subject: Situations (Page 32)

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

Nothing is so annoying than to be obscurely hanged.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Situations

There are four things that hold back human progress – ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

(1797 – 1875) American accountant
Intelligence Situations Stupidity

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon.’

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Places Situations World

Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it is awfully hard to get it back in.

(1926 – 1993) American presidential staffer & Watergate co-conspirator
Problems Situations

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed… I leave.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

Never let your mom comb your hair when she’s mad at your dad!

(1946 – ) American comedian
Situations

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Always do right; this will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Life Situations

I used to sell furniture for a living… the trouble was, it was my own.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian
Money Poverty Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Situations Things

When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

(1893 – 1957) British politician
Beliefs Honesty Situations