Subject: Situations (Page 33)

Maybe it would have been better if neither of us had been born.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician
Life Situations

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time Work

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Science/Weather Situations

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was “I should cut my bangs.”

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Appearance Hair Situations

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

We better not, ya know, kill our chickens before they cross the road.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Animals Malaprops Situations

Don't corner something that is meaner than you.

Expressions Situations

My wife said to me ‘I hope you win… but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don’t think it makes up for never saying it when we’re alone.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Situations

She raped him in a blanket.

Malaprops Situations

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

These people have served a longer sentence than some people who have committed murder.

(1943 – ) American television journalist & author
Government Law Situations

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Places Situations

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Sex Situations

Twice: Once too often.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations