Subject: Situations (Page 34)

There’s nothing scarier to me than a group of men who go to the gym a lot, wear tight shirts, and are out enjoying a “boy’s night” fueled by vodka, Red Bull, and cologne from Walgreens.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Situations

When a broken appliance is demonstrated to the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing Jell-O® to a tree.

(1950 – 1994) Canadian actor & comedian
Situations

There are no exceptions to the rule that everybody likes to be an exception to the rule.

(1933 – ) American telejournalist
People Situations

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance Situations

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

(1924 – 1973) American comic
Situations

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

If it looks easy, it's tough… if it looks tough, it's near impossible.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations Things

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Sex Situations

There are two tragedies in life; one is not to get your heart’s desire, the other is to get it.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Life Situations

Never position a rock near a hard place.

(1962 – ) English writer
Communication Situations Wordplay

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Death Life Situations

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict Situations

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations