Subject: Situations (Page 34)

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Failure Problems Situations

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health Situations

I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.

Sex Situations

I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

Beware the smile of a waiter… it means he's pissed in your soup.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Food/Drink Situations

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Dating Relationships Situations

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING… I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children.

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn’t be seen dead at.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Situations

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

I was on Oprah Winfrey once, but the cops pulled me off of her, and now she's pressing charges.

American comedian
Situations

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

Oops. Wrong cookie.

Situations

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

People who live in glass houses should masturbate in the basement.

(1972 – ) Irish comedian & television presenter
Sex Situations

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

novelist & travel writer
Children Family Situations

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Problems Situations