Subject: Situations (Page 37)

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements Situations

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Sex Situations Sleep

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Science/Weather Situations

I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.

(1847 – 1912) English comedian, writer, composer, actor & singer
Characteristics Situations

Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into!

(1892 –1957) American comic actor (of Laurel & Hardy)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

Situations

Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Housework People Situations

I’m in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn’t even know I exist – and worse… she can prove it.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Intelligence Love Situations

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations

New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions; next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations Time

He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.

(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery
Characteristics Situations Work

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

Ten thousand women marched through the streets of London saying 'we will not be dictated to,' and then went off to become stenographers.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
People Politics Situations Women

I stopped in a lay-by and there was a sign said “No Dumping”; that was alright as I was just having a piss… so it didn’t affect me.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: “How many in your party?” and I said “Six hundred million.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Government Situations

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations