Subject: Situations (Page 37)

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Emotions Happiness People Situations Sleep

If I can’t have it all, can I at least have some of yours?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Situations

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
Life Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I’ve never known a Groundhog Day like this and I’ll have to go and see the film to find out what it’s all about.

English football player, manager & sports commentator
Misspokements Situations

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya.

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
Appearance Situations

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The only problem with having nothing to do is you can't stop and rest.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Problems Situations Work

Hell is a half-filled auditorium.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Entertainment Situations

Always do right; this will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Life Situations

Really worried about my parrot: he keeps saying “I can’t go on, I hate my life.” … My roommate is too selfish to notice… always busy crying.

Situations

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Science/Weather Situations

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

American comedian
Relationships Situations

I remixed a remix… it was back to normal.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I can tolerate without discomfort being waited on hand and foot.

(1908 – 1986) English cartoonist, author, art critic & stage designer
Situations