Subject: Situations (Page 38)

Remember that nobody will ever get ahead of you as long as he is kicking you in the seat of the pants.

(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist
Communication Situations

Hay smells different to lovers and horses.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Situations

I violated the Noah rule: Predicting rain doesn’t count; building arks does.

(1930 – ) financier & investment businessman
Situations

It’s important to know when it’s time to turn in your kazoo.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Situations

Armageddon is Australian for "Armageddon outta here!"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

I had my palm read; I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

Giving away baby clothes and nursery furniture is a major cause of pregnancy.

novelist & travel writer
Children Family Situations

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

Last week the candle factory burned down… everyone just stood around and sang Happy Birthday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things Work

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

Since the house is on fire let us warm ourselves.

Proverbs Situations

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Problems Situations

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

The hardest thing to stop is a temporary chairman.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
People Situations

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

Why don't you come up and have a little… scotch and sofa.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Dating Relationships Situations

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations

Everything is just peaches and beans.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations