Subject: Situations (Page 38)

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on… and this person must be fired.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Situations Women

Nothing is so annoying than to be obscurely hanged.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Situations

First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook – it’s a back to school holiday.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Religion Situations

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Family Situations

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Arms Situations Things

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

Cleaning anything involves making something else dirty, but anything can get dirty without something else getting clean.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Characteristics Situations

If you can't fix it with duct tape you haven’t used enough.

Problems Situations

She's Cherokee Indian, which is great 'cause whenever we have sex, it rains.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Sex Situations

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

(1937 – ) American actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

The time to pray is not when we are in a tight spot but just as soon as we get out of it.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Beliefs Situations

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals Conflict Situations Sleep

Family reunions is that time when you come face to face with your family tree, and you realize some branches need to be cut.

American comedian
Relationships Situations

Nothing screams “Welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress; “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft… hope you like it.”

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Situations

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

Food/Drink Situations