Subject: Situations (Page 4)

They say being a hostage is difficult… but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

Phil Nichol Canadian comedian, singer-songwriter & actor
Situations

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Two blind fellows walk into a wall…

(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
People Situations

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Individuals People Situations

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

It looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!

cartoon character in Shrek 2 (Conrad Vernon)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright
Government Law Situations

Apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Death Situations

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

Nothing is so annoying than to be obscurely hanged.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Situations

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Murphy’s Laws Proverbs Situations Sleep

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day; she said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, All right, but we're not going to get much done.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language Situations

Getting caught is the mother of invention.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Mistakes Problems Situations

An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist
Characteristics Situations

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Characteristics Facts Intelligence Situations Truth

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives