Subject: Situations (Page 4)

I hate cold showers – they stimulate me, and then I don't know what to do.

Situations

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Baseball Situations Sports

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?

(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Intelligence Situations Understanding

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Family Parents Situations

Manicures: Which are basically just holding hands with a stranger for forty-five minutes whilst listening to Enya.

(1972 – ) English actress & comedian
Appearance Situations

Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether.

(1945 – ) author, music journalist & cultural critic
People Situations Success

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Sleep Time

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Failure Situations Success

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

My friend has difficulty sleeping, but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations Sleep

When your opponent is down… kick him.

Misspokements Situations

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarves.

British comedian
Situations

I knew something was wrong with the economy when the shampoo girl at my salon closed on a six bedroom house.

(1964 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actress, television host
Money Situations

When I was ten, my family moved to Downers Grove Illinois; when I was twelve, I found them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Self Situations