Subject: Situations (Page 41)

Borrowing has a bad name, but you would be surprised how it helps in a pinch.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Situations

Constant change is here to stay.

Situations

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Sex Situations

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.

(1953 – ) comedian, political commentator and television & radio personality
Football Situations Sports

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

He has me sitting on pins and cushions waiting.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Misspokements Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbors seeing.

People Situations Women

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Murphy’s Laws Places Situations

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Proverbs Situations

If it looks easy, it's tough… if it looks tough, it's near impossible.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; “Well, I was lost but now I live here!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

To protect your position, fire the fastest rising employees first.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations Work

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Driving Situations

When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

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Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.

(1943 – 2010) English actress
Beliefs God Situations