Subject: Situations (Page 42)

When I can’t sleep, I read a book by Steve Allen.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Books Insults Reading/Writing Situations

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Situations Time

First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook – it’s a back to school holiday.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Religion Situations

You give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; but you teach a man to fish – saved yourself a fish haven’t you?

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Situations

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations Time

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things

Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values – and witnesses.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics Situations

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Situations

Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.

(1856 – 1915) writer, publisher, artist & philosopher
Life Situations Sleep

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

Only in America can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box whilst a draft dodger lives in the White House.

America Places Situations

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.

American humorist
Situations

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake; he told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Situations

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

The more he looked inside the more Piglet wasn’t there.

fictional character from the book series by A. A. Milne
Places Situations

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

(1991 – ) English stand-up comedian
Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations