Subject: Situations (Page 43)

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him… but I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People Situations

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

Some people hear voices; some see invisible people; others have no imagination whatsoever.

Intelligence Mind Situations

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Entertainment Situations

I’m not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions which are driving me to desperation.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

Cutting off a mule's ears doesn't make it a horse.

Appearance Proverbs Situations

If you're in a hole, stop digging.

Problems Situations

When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

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Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Excuse me, my leg has gone to sleep; do you mind if I join it?

(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator
Situations Sleep

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.

(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist
Beliefs Situations

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Men People Situations Women

Good work, Mary: We all knew you had it in you.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

Everybody wants to save the earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Housework Situations World

Things always go from bad to worse.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things