Subject: Situations (Page 43)

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Proverbs Situations

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it.

Characteristics Expressions Situations

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance Situations

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today; they left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Activities Driving Situations

Really worried about my parrot: he keeps saying “I can’t go on, I hate my life.” … My roommate is too selfish to notice… always busy crying.

Situations

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.

American humorist
Situations

No matter… the dead bird does not leave the nest.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Appearance Clothing Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Situations Time

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.

typographer
Activities Situations Sleep Time

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Communication Situations Speech

If I had a dollar for every time someone asked me that question… wait a minute, I do have a dollar for every time I've been asked that question.

American basketball player & coach
Basketball Situations Sports

You win some, you lose some, and then there’s that little-known third category.

(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist
Elections/Voting Government Situations

So I'm like, 'Hold up, slick, I thought McDonald's was supposed to have fast and friendly service.' She's like, 'That's at participating McDonald's, and we ain't participating.'

David Adkins (1956 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.

comedian
Situations

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time