Subject: Situations (Page 44)

Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through.

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way; I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Government Memory Situations

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

Canadian comedian & actor
Relationships Situations

Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Characteristics People Situations

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Baseball Situations Sports

Nothing screams “Welcome for one night” like the inflatable mattress; “Hey, I threw a sheet on a pool raft… hope you like it.”

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
Situations

I was in my car driving back from work, when a police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window; I said, ‘One minute I’m on the phone.'

(1976 – ) English comedian
Activities Driving Situations

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

Hindsight is always twenty-twenty.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Characteristics Past Situations Time

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

Obama responded to the birthers by stating that he will show them his birth certificate when Sarah Palin shows him her high school diploma.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Situations

Let’s get down to brass tax.

Malaprops Situations

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn’t be seen dead at.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Situations

Streets full of water. Please Advise.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Situations

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs… but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.

(1916 – 2000) Egyptian-American academic economist & historian
Failure Problems Situations

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice
Death Relationships Situations