Subject: Situations (Page 45)

I went to convent in New York and was fired finally for my insistence that the Immaculate Conception was spontaneous combustion.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Whether the glass is half-full or half empty, depends on whether you are drinking or pouring.

Situations

The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.

Situations

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Proverbs Situations

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations

Parents are not quite interested in justice, they are interested in peace and quiet.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Family Parents Situations

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I’d sooner be in hell with my back broke.

Expressions Situations

Only have a nervous breakdown if you’ve got loads of money, and then you can really enjoy it.

(1955 – ) English composer, singer, songwriter & producer
Health Money Situations

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Relationships Situations

The first time I ever got undressed in front of a woman, it was horrible; she started screaming… and then they kicked me off the bus.

comedian & actor
Situations

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.

(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist
Beliefs Situations