Subject: Situations (Page 46)

Really worried about my parrot: he keeps saying “I can’t go on, I hate my life.” … My roommate is too selfish to notice… always busy crying.

Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

They say familiarity breeds contempt but I hardly know you.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Problems Situations

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

There are four things that hold back human progress – ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

(1797 – 1875) American accountant
Intelligence Situations Stupidity

I hope Iman took a good book on the honeymoon.

Sex Situations

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author
Men People Sex Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”

(1957 – ) American comedian
Family Situations

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Characteristics Situations

When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

comedian
Situations

These are the days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Time

He has me sitting on pins and cushions waiting.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Misspokements Situations