Subject: Situations (Page 47)

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink People Situations

When we’re unemployed, we’re called lazy; when the whites are unemployed, it’s called a depression.

(1941 – ) American civil rights activist & Baptist minister
People Situations Work

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor
Sex Shopping Situations

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


Shopping Situations

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Never let the bastard back into my room again… unless I need him.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
People Situations

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice
Death Relationships Situations

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Situations Time

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today; they left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Activities Driving Situations

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

(1927 – ) American comedian
Situations

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Animals Men People Situations Time

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Beer Emotions Situations

Most jobs resemble a sled dog team: no one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Animals Dogs Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

The worst misfortune that can happen to an ordinary man is to have an extraordinary father.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Family Fathers Situations

Elvis transcends his talent to the point of dispensing with it altogether.

(1945 – ) author, music journalist & cultural critic
People Situations Success

Beware the smile of a waiter… it means he's pissed in your soup.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Good work, Mary: We all knew you had it in you.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

All the good ones are taken.

Murphy’s Laws Situations