Subject: Situations (Page 47)

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Obama responded to the birthers by stating that he will show them his birth certificate when Sarah Palin shows him her high school diploma.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Situations

The worst sensation I know of is getting up at night and stepping on a toy train.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Situations

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Men People Situations Women

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, "On your mark…"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Characteristics Situations

Doug probably fell while he was looking for a place to jump.

(1944 – 2014) American actor, director & writer
Situations

I'm not even lucky enough to fantasize about winning the lottery; I have to fantasize about someone else winning, and then killing them.

American comedian
Situations

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Situations

I’m not a believer in luck… but I do believe you need it.

Beliefs Misspokements Situations

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Activities Games Situations

The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

(1864 – 1910) French author
Situations

You’ve got to give the guy some slack… he’s caught between Iraq and a hard-on.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations Wordplay

Never miss an opportunity to relieve yourself; never miss a chance to rest your feet.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom
Situations

Why do they collect garbage at 5 a.m.; it’s garbage… it’s not going to go bad again.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Situations Time

One night a jet flew a little too close to my house… I was walking from the living room to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If he wants breakfast in bed, tell him to sleep in the kitchen.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Men People Situations

For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People Situations

Going fast while you are lost won't help a bit.

Science/Weather Situations

It was a tough gig; they had to wake me up to fire me.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations