Subject: Situations (Page 48)

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

(1923 – 1964) Irish poet, short story writer, novelist & playwright
Government Law Situations

Some people feel the rain – others just get wet.

(1936 – 1992) singer, songwriter, musician & actor
People Situations

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? … well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

comedian
Situations

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

(1916 – 1962) American sociologist & professor
Situations

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut 'em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

In order to make a man or boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.

Characteristics Men People Situations

Nothing is so annoying than to be obscurely hanged.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist
Situations

Nan would always send us texts saying please come round, my arthritis is getting worse; but then they stopped… so presumably it got better.

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Situations

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.

British-Asian comedian
People Self Situations

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows; when I woke up, my pillow was missing.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations Sleep

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Relationships Situations

Most jobs resemble a sled dog team: no one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Animals Dogs Murphy’s Laws Situations Work

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.

Murphy’s Laws Situations