Subject: Situations (Page 48)

I'm busier than a stump full of ants.

Activities Situations

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence; when men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.


(1943 – ) American psychologist, author
Marriage Men People Situations Women

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Activities Situations Sleep

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Activities Sex Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Men People Sex Situations

For some not to be martyrs is martyrdom indeed.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
People Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
People Situations

The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money Parents Situations

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Life Money Situations

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Intelligence Situations

They say familiarity breeds contempt but I hardly know you.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

Met a girl the other nite and told her-– “Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself… so does $200 seem reasonable?”

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho
Money Situations

I’m not yet desperate enough to do anything about the conditions which are driving me to desperation.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

The police surrounded the building and threw an accordion around the block.

Malaprops Situations

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Situations Time

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep