Subject: Situations (Page 49)

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Body Situations

An actor enters through a door, you've got nothing; but if he enters through a window, you've got a situation.

(1906 – 2002) Austrian journalist, filmmaker, screenwriter & producer
Entertainment Film Situations

If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.

(1982 – ) American author
Activities Situations

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex; fortunately they didn't see me for almost 10 minutes.

American comedian
Sex Situations

If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Failure Situations Success

If something's neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Situations

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Situations

A day without sunshine is like… well, night.

Situations Time

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

It looks like we’re up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!

cartoon character in Shrek 2 (Conrad Vernon)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

(1924 – 1973) American comic
Situations

How come Miss Universe is only won by people from Earth?

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Situations Time

Never accept a ride from a stranger unless he gives you candy.


Situations

He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.

(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery
Characteristics Situations Work

Sometimes I sits and thinks, and sometimes I just sits.

(1906 – 1982) baseball player
Intelligence Situations

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

Good work, Mary: We all knew you had it in you.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations