Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 5)
I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.
Daniel Boone
(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman
Situations
Being lost
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
Greg Giraldo
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Places
Situations
Environment
New Jersey
I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health
Situations
Addictions
Placebos
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Robert Orben
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations
Taxes
Back
Debt
Suffering
The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.
Nancy Astor
(1879 – 1964) British politician
Situations
Success
Boredom
We just had a near – life experience!
Chuck Palahniuk
(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Life
Situations
There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations
Things
Time
New
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
Situations
Reunions
Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
Anonymous
Definitions
Situations
Things
Upgraded and Improved
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Rod Schmidt
Emotions
Situations
Forests
Jokes
Enough is never enough.
Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood I
Children
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Enough
They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations
Bank
Tellers
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment
Situations
The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.
Benjamin Disraeli
(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Failure
Problems
Situations
Strategies
I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.
George Eliot
Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
Sex
Situations
Childbirth
Pregnancy
You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Dreams
Goals
Be sincere; be brief; be seated.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Communication
Situations
Speech
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations
Dimensions
Mirrors
I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.
Jimmy Carr
(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations
Horror films
There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children
Family
Situations
If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations
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