Subject: Situations (Page 5)

Last night, me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back… luckily, I was the one facing the telly.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Entertainment Situations Television

I have an intense desire to return to the womb… anybody's.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Situations

I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

Canadian comedian & actor
Intelligence Memory Relationships Situations

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Relationships Situations

No day is so bad it can’t be fixed with a nap.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Life Situations

It’s important to know when it’s time to turn in your kazoo.

(1971 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Situations

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Problems Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Old Situations Work

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Communication Situations

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Situations

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

(1918 – 2002) Irish comedian, writer, musician, poet & playwright
Situations

He has me sitting on pins and cushions waiting.

(1905 – 1974) radio comedian
Misspokements Situations

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

Santa Claus has the right idea: visit people once a year.

(1909 – 2000) Danish-born comedian & pianist
Situations Time