Subject: Situations (Page 5)

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Promises and pie crusts are made to be broken.

(1667 – 1745) Irish satirist & essayist
Situations

I called someone an Indian giver recently, but they were really offended, so I had to take it back.

( 1981 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Situations

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

(1932 – 1997) British journalist
Animals Situations

A barrel of monkeys would be a lot of fun… unless it's been sealed for 6 or 7 months.


Situations

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

Situations

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Situations

Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.

American free-lance writer
People Situations

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations

Irony is when you buy a suit with two pairs of pants, and then burn a hole in the coat.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations

It's as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, 'Don't worry, I know how to drive us out of this.'

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.

(1847 – 1931) American inventor, scientist & businessman
Situations Things

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher!"

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Science/Weather Situations

When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.

Problems Situations

Do unto others, then run.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Situations

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Men People Situations Women

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things