Subject: Situations (Page 5)

I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Situations

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink People Situations

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Trade-offs have been with us ever since the late unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden.

(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author
History Situations

I used to sell furniture for a living… the trouble was, it was my own.

(1931 – 1993) English comedian
Money Poverty Situations

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Situations

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the seven dwarves.

British comedian
Situations

A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.

Golf Situations Sports

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

(1916 – 1962) American sociologist & professor
Situations

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations

I’m a simple man; all I want is enough sleep for two normal men, enough whiskey for three, and enough women for four.

(1954 – 2011) Canadian author
Situations

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? … that’s why I never take baths.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations