Subject: Situations (Page 5)

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman
Situations

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Places Situations

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Taxes

The penalty for success is to be bored by the people who used to snub you.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Situations Success

We just had a near – life experience!

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Life Situations

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Situations

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


Emotions Situations

Enough is never enough.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

The most dangerous strategy is to jump a chasm in two leaps.

(1804 – 1881) British prime minister, politician & author
Failure Problems Situations

I like trying to get pregnant; I'm not so sure about childbirth.

Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator
Sex Situations

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Communication Situations Speech

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I love watching horror films while hiding behind the sofa… that way my neighbors don’t know I’m there.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Situations