Subject: Situations (Page 5)

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.

American comedian
Situations

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Life Money Situations

When I answer the door the kids hand ME candy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Situations Ugly

One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Facts Situations

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Eating Food/Drink Proverbs Situations Sleep

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time Work

I haven’t slept for ten days… because that would be too long.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Sleep Time

There are several good protections against temptations, but the surest is cowardice.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Situations

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

There never was a child so lovely, but his mother was glad to get him asleep.

(1803 – 1882) essayist, poet, & philosopher
Age Children Family Situations Sleep

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships Situations

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government Places Politics Situations

Borrowing has a bad name, but you would be surprised how it helps in a pinch.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Situations