Subject: Situations (Page 5)

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

When one is trying to be elegant and sophisticated, one won't.

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Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Situations Time

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

(1942 – ) humorist & radio broadcaster
Characteristics Intelligence Situations

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Situations

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," – 'til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from Earth?

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
People Situations

When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job" … well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

American comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Situations

I don’t think cops should wear mirrored sunglasses; the whole time the guy was chewing me out, all I could think was “I should cut my bangs.”

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Appearance Hair Situations

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places; he told me to keep out of those places.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Doctors Health Places Situations

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Sex Situations

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics Situations Sleep

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Problems Situations