Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 5)
Let
fightin' dogs lie.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Animals
Malaprops
Situations
Sleeping dogs lie
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Fred Allen
(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Sleep
Dreams
Shredded wheat
How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.
‘Jo’ Brand
(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework
Men
People
Situations
Penis
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude's house?
Roy Wood Jr.
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Dating
People
Relationships
Situations
Women
An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.
Walter Bagehot
(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist
Characteristics
Situations
A lot of bars have black lights, and when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool… except for me because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Situations
Bars
Black lights
Stains
You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”
Anonymous
Characteristics
Situations
Diplomacy
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink
Situations
Work
Restaurants
Restrooms
People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.
Anonymous
Situations
Wants
It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.
Bill Watterson
(1955 – ) cartoonist
(Calvin and Hobbes)
Situations
Blame
From Calvin & Hobbes
The squeaky wheel gets replaced.
Lafayette's Reprisal
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Squeaky wheel
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Homer Simpson
cartoon character in
The Simpsons
(Dan Castellaneta)
Communication
Language
Situations
TV/Movie Quotes
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
Rod Schmidt
Emotions
Situations
Forests
Jokes
If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?
Danny Chrastina
(1975 – ) English physicist
Situations
Hearing
Pasta shells
It is easier to stay out than get out.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations
Get out
Stay out
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
Philip Gibbs
(1877 – 1962) English journalist, novelist & reporter
Situations
Giving
Lending
One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Sex
Situations
Wives
His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.
Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations
Sleep
Work
Insomnia
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
Douglas Adams
(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Failure
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Things
The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.
Newman's Observation
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.
The Digger's Dilemma (or the Law of Augmented Returns)
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Dirt
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