Subject: Situations (Page 5)

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was, I said, 'Actual' … I'm not to scale.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Situations

No gold-digging for me… I take diamonds!

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Money Situations

By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect “Hungry.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

I went to counseling, spent $5,000 to have two women call me a loser.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Characteristics Money Situations

If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

Food/Drink Situations

How to locate the slow-moving traffic lane or check-out land: Get in it.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Definitions Situations

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

(1921 – 2006) Polish science fiction author
Situations

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

Any new activity will cause more trouble than you can possibly imagine.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Sometimes I need what only you can provide — your absence.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations

I hate cold showers – they stimulate me, and then I don't know what to do.

Situations

Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Intelligence Situations Wisdom

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

American stand-up comedian
Relationships Situations Sports

I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Relationships Situations