Subject: Situations (Page 52)

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

We must believe in luck; for how else can we explain the success of those we don’t like.

(1889 – 1963) French poet, novelist, playwright, artist & filmmaker
Situations Success

But, as my mother used to tell me, two wrongs don't make a right… but I soon figured out that three left turns do.

(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Driving Situations

If you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but, if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Age Old Situations Young

Maybe Hitler wouldn’t have been so grumpy if people hadn’t left him hanging for high fives all the time.

(1991 – ) English stand-up comedian
Situations

It's bad when they don't perform your operas – but when they do, it's far worse.

(1835 – 1921) French Late-Romantic composer, conductor & pianist
Entertainment Insults Music Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


Shopping Situations

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations

I went to a McDonald’s yesterday and said, ‘I’d like some fries…’ the girl at the counter said, ‘would you like some fries with that?’

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Food/Drink Situations

To be good is noble, but to teach others how to be good is nobler – and less trouble.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Problems Situations

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.

Acting Entertainment Murphy’s Laws Situations

Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
People Places Situations

I'd always believed that old saying that the first 15 minutes in jail were the toughest, until I experienced the five minutes after that.

(1962 – ) American actor, comedian, writer, director & producer
Situations Time

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Nothing is improbable until it moves into past tense.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Situations Time