Subject: Situations (Page 52)

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

Truck deliveries that normally take one day will take five when you are waiting for the truck.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.

(1886 – 1975) American fiction writer
Characteristics Money Poverty Situations Wealth

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Animals Situations

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

Whoever said nothing is impossible obviously hasn't tried nailing Jell-O® to a tree.

(1950 – 1994) Canadian actor & comedian
Situations

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.


Communication Situations Wordplay

He's the first guy to drive a $300,000 car with license plates he made himself.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Situations

Never order a drink where you get to keep the glass.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman
Food/Drink Situations

Some people talk in their sleep; lecturers talk while other people sleep.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Communication Situations Sleep Speech

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer
Autos Situations Sports

Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole-in-one.

Golf Situations Sports

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.

(1964 – ) English comedian, author & television presenter
Animals Situations

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Situations Work

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Autos New York City Situations

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

People Situations

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors Health Situations

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Irish journalist
Situations