Subject: Situations (Page 52)

I went to the 24-hour grocer; when I got there, the guy was locking the front and I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Problems Situations

When a man tells me he’s going to put all his cards on the table, I always look up his sleeve.

(1893 – 1957) British politician
Beliefs Honesty Situations

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Situations

Opportunist: A person who, finding himself in hot water, decides he needs a bath anyway.

Definitions Situations

Being tired isn't the same as being rich, but most times it's close enough.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Money Situations Wealth

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian
People Situations Women

The first shall be last and the last shall be first, but if you're in the middle, you're stuck there.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I can’t say I was ever lost, but I was bewildered once for three days.

(1734 – 1820) American pioneer, explorer & frontiersman
Situations

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

It's bad when they don't perform your operas – but when they do, it's far worse.

(1835 – 1921) French Late-Romantic composer, conductor & pianist
Entertainment Insults Music Situations

You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Oops. Wrong cookie.

Situations

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

The difference between bagpipes and an onion is that nobody cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Situations

I have a lifetime appointment and I intend to serve it; I expect to die at 110, shot by a jealous husband.

(1908 – 1993) U.S. Supreme Court justice
Death Relationships Situations

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Situations Time