Subject: Situations (Page 53)

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Appearance Body Money Situations Women

I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room; I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Sex Situations

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.

(1818 – 1885) humorist
Animals Situations

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Situations

Nothing annoys a woman more than to have company drop in unexpectedly and find the house looking as it usually does.

(1902 – 1963) Danish actor
Housework People Situations

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian
Intelligence Situations

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.


Situations Sleep

These are the days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Situations Time

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

He just can’t believe what’s not happening to him.

(1926 – ) English sports commentator
Colemanballs Misspokements Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

Situations

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things

Things started to snowplow.

professional baseball player
Malaprops Situations