Subject: Situations (Page 53)

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

One time I saw two geese fighting and I thought, this is a pillow fight, ahead of time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

Question: What goes ‘clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG’? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Situations

Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

Canadian comedian & actor
Relationships Situations

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

Body Cold Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Situations

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

If your eyes hurt after you drink coffee, you have to take the spoon out of the cup.

(1927 – ) American comedian
Situations

It always looks darkest just before it gets totally black.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Situations

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

It’s all right for a perfect stranger to kiss your hand as long as he’s perfect.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Situations

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? … well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

He no play-a da game, he no make-a da rules.

(1909 – 2008) U.S. secretary of agriculture
Situations

In a fight between you and the world, back the world.

(1883 – 1924) Czech writer
Conflict Situations

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

comedian
Shopping Situations

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor
Sex Shopping Situations

It's good to know that if I behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Characteristics Situations

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations