Subject: Situations (Page 53)

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Characteristics Facts Intelligence Situations Truth

Don’t forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

(1865 – 1936) English short-story writer, poet & novelist
Death Situations

I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

A rolling stone gathers momentum.

Science/Weather Situations

It’s always darkest before… daylight savings time.

Proverbs Situations Time

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

Armageddon is Australian for "Armageddon outta here!"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

Usually when someone is given an evening like this, they’re way too dead to say thank you.

(1948 – ) comedian, actor, writer, producer & film director
Death Situations

Fighting fire with fire only gets you ashes!

(1918 – ) American advice columnist
Situations

There’s a saying among prospectors: “Go out looking for one thing, and that's all you’ll ever find.”

(1884 – 1951) American filmmaker
Situations

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. “Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

jwright

(1885 – 1962) Danish physicist
Situations

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Nature abhors a vacuum… and so do I.

American cartoonist & greeting card illustrator
Housework Situations Things Work

You know it’s time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Situations

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Proverbs Situations

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Government Situations Sleep

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Family Situations