Subject: Situations (Page 53)

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations

I'm not even lucky enough to fantasize about winning the lottery; I have to fantasize about someone else winning, and then killing them.

American comedian
Situations

… just to relieve the monopoly.

Malaprops Situations

My grandfather avoided the Holocaust with his ability to hide, and by not being Jewish, and by living in Canada his entire life.

Canadian comedian & actor
Relationships Situations

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents; that surprised me, I was like “Mom did you read this?”

(1957 – ) American comedian
Family Situations

When you enter the room, you have to kiss his ring; I don't mind, but he has it in his back pocket.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?

Food/Drink Situations

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Accidents Failure Situations

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Health Situations

Most projects require three hands.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.

typographer
Activities Situations Sleep Time

I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking… and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, and I had to suck out the poison… so she’s dead.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Relationships Situations

People that put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.’

(1957 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion Situations

By the time a man finds greener pastures, he’s too old to climb the fence.

Age Old Situations

Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.

Situations Time

If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.

Murphy’s Laws Places Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

(1907 – 1973) poet & critic
Situations Sleep Speech

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations