Subject: Situations (Page 6)

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Some people feel the rain – others just get wet.

(1936 – 1992) singer, songwriter, musician & actor
People Situations

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again… Great, I’ll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Life Situations TV/Movie Quotes

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

They say familiarity breeds contempt but I hardly know you.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Problems Situations

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon.’

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Places Situations World

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Government People Situations

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things

An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist
Characteristics Situations

I love to stand behind people at ATM’s and when they enter their PIN number, I say ‘got it’ and then run away.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations

Apart from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Problems Situations Wordplay

My wife said to me ‘I hope you win… but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don’t think it makes up for never saying it when we’re alone.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Situations