Subject: Situations (Page 6)

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

You win some, you lose some, and then there’s that little-known third category.

(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist
Elections/Voting Government Situations

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

It was as helpful as throwing a drowning man both ends of the rope.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I’d still say no.

American comedian
Situations

The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.

Proverbs Situations

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA; you know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Places Situations

I know a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author
Men People Sex Situations

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Situations

If anyone wants me tell them I'm being embalmed.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Situations

He gave her a look you could have poured on a waffle.

(1885 – 1933) columnist & writer
Relationships Situations

If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations Sleep Work

Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.

scriptwriter & author
Places Situations

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations

Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Situations