Subject: Situations (Page 6)

Are you buying or selling?

(1906 – 1998) Russian-born English film producer & media mogul
Money Situations

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I’m in the bathroom.

Situations

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

Every silver lining has a cloud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down… or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Situations Sleep

I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

So I'm like, 'Hold up, slick, I thought McDonald's was supposed to have fast and friendly service.' She's like, 'That's at participating McDonald's, and we ain't participating.'

David Adkins (1956 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations

If you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but, if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist
Age Old Situations Young

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: “Basement?”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Self Situations

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

People Situations

Always be nice to people on the way up; because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People Situations Work

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Shopping Situations

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Situations

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Situations

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family Situations

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Proverbs Situations

I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges; I remember one time I wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations