Subject: Situations (Page 7)

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.

It arrived by first-class mail in second-class condition.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.

(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Adventure is just bad planning.

(1872 – 1928) Norwegian Arctic & Antarctic explorer

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.


Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.

(1958 – ) Australian author

My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.

(1956 – ) American comedian

I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name-dropping.

(1911 – 2000) American actor

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host

We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.

(1956 – ) American comedian

Hay smells different to lovers and horses.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist

When you pass the buck, don't ask for change.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.

(1943 – 2010) English actress