Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 7)
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Situations
Juggling
People who live in glass houses have to answer the door.
Bruce Patterson
People
Situations
Glass houses
It arrived by first-class mail in second-class condition.
Arthur ‘Bugs’ Baer
(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations
Mail
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
Walt Kelly
(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist
(Pogo)
Characteristics
Situations
Opportunities
A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Body
Characteristics
Situations
Things
Bleeding heart
Carpeting
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Animals
Situations
Holidays
Thanksgiving
Turkey
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this – man's being unable to sit still in a room.
Blaise Pascal
(1623 – 1662) French mathematician & physicist
Beliefs
Situations
Evil
My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
Situations
Wives
Bridge club
Suicide
Adventure is just bad planning.
Roald Amundsen
(1872 – 1928) Norwegian Arctic & Antarctic explorer
Situations
Adventure
Planning
As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.
Adam Smargon
Communication
Situations
Wordplay
Hospital
Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
Anonymous
Definitions
Situations
Things
Upgraded and Improved
Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.
Kathy Lette
(1958 – ) Australian author
Children
Family
Situations
Sleep
My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her… I just swam to the surface.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Dating
Relationships
Situations
I was only saying to the Queen the other day how I hate name-dropping.
Douglas Fairbanks Jr.
(1911 – 2000) American actor
Situations
Name-dropping
I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.
Wil Shriner
(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host
Sex
Situations
Pregnant
We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Robin Williams
(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations
Burglars
Furniture
Homosexuals
There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Situations
Speculation
I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations
Hay smells different to lovers and horses.
Stanisław Lec
(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Situations
Lovers
When you pass the buck, don't ask for change.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Money
Situations
Passing the buck
God always has another custard pie up His sleeve.
Lynn Redgrave
(1943 – 2010) English actress
Beliefs
God
Situations
From “Georgy Girl”
Page 7 of 53
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