Subject: Situations (Page 7)

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? … It means you’re in the wrong house, that’s what it means.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Relationships Situations

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
America People Situations

Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember, it didn’t work for the rabbit.

American humorist
Situations

Ten thousand women marched through the streets of London saying 'we will not be dictated to,' and then went off to become stenographers.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
People Politics Situations Women

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Characteristics Fear Marriage Situations

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

Situations Work

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Sex Situations

Met a girl the other nite and told her-– “Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself… so does $200 seem reasonable?”

(1956 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & television ho
Money Situations

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

Be sincere; be brief; be seated.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Communication Situations Speech

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

Everything I did in my life that was worthwhile I caught hell for it.

(1891 – 1974) 14th U.S. Chief Justice & politician
Problems Situations

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Crime Situations

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Life Situations Sleep

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day; set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Situations

When you get to the end of your rope tie a knot and hang on.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator
Problems Situations

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.

Proverbs Situations