Subject: Situations (Page 7)

A man can do more than he thinks he can, but he usually does less than he thinks he does.

(1863 – 1945) British politician & statesman
Situations Work

If you find yourself lost in the woods, f**k it, build a house; well, I was lost but now I live here – I have severely improved my predicament!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations

An inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.

(1826 – 1877) English economist & journalist
Characteristics Situations

Order is an exotic in Ireland; it has been imported from England but it will not grow. It suits neither soil nor climate.

(1818 – 1894) English historian, novelist, biographer & editor
Places Situations

Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it's what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Death Family Fathers Misspokements Situations Travel

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

Men who are unhappy, like men who sleep badly, are always proud of the fact.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Emotions Happiness People Situations Sleep

We're like two peas in a pot.

Malaprops Situations

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye – and dragged it fifteen feet.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Body Places Situations

When you pass the buck, don't ask for change.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Money Situations

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Government People Situations

Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest? … What is the logic in that? … do tall people burn slower?

(1963 – ) American comedian & writer
Situations

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won’t accidentally walk through another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather Situations

They live so deep in the woods they kept possums as yard dogs.

Animals Expressions Places Situations

Better late than… pregnant.

Proverbs Situations Time

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

The squeaky wheel gets replaced.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.

(1907 – 1987) journalist & columnist
Life Situations

When a person tells you, “I’ll think it over and let you know” — you know.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Communication Situations