Subject: Situations (Page 9)

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

Oh, last week was a rough week, I noticed my gums were shrinking… I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

If a tie is like kissing your sister, losing is like kissing your grandmother with her teeth out.

(1953 – ) American baseball player
Situations Sports

When you pass the buck, don't ask for change.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Money Situations

There are four things that hold back human progress – ignorance, stupidity, committees and accountants.

(1797 – 1875) American accountant
Intelligence Situations Stupidity

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night; the only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
Dating Sex Situations

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
People Situations

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

Hell may have a worse climate but undoubtedly the company is spritelier.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
People Places Situations

Trade-offs have been with us ever since the late unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden.

(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author
History Situations

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Children Family Situations

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

He never seemed to be doing anything, and yet he did not like to be disturbed at it.

(1807 – 1892) American poet & advocate of the abolition of slavery
Characteristics Situations Work

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.

(1949 – ) English-born Australian musician, writer, actor, composer & record producer
Situations

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

We seem to have unleased a hornet's nest.

Malaprops Situations

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things