Subject: Situations (Page 9)

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Gain a modest reputation for being unreliable and you will never be asked to do a thing.

(1941 – ) novelist
Characteristics Situations

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

(1932 – 1997) British journalist
Animals Situations

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

I went to the 24-hour grocer; when I got there, the guy was locking the front and I said, ‘Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.’ He said, ‘Yes, but not in a row.’

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Time

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
People Situations

If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come out straight?

(1975 – ) English physicist
Appearance Hair Situations

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Situations Sleep

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom's gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let's print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I left the room with silent dignity, but caught my foot in the mat.

(1847 – 1912) English comedian, writer, composer, actor & singer
Characteristics Situations

The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

By the time we've made it, we've had it.

(1919 – 1990) publisher & author
Money Situations

I fainted last night… luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health Situations

You win some, you lose some, and then there’s that little-known third category.

(1948 – ) U.S. vice president & politician, author & environmentalist
Elections/Voting Government Situations

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills… my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Health Situations Sleep

Take: To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations