Subject: Sports (Page 101)

The way to stop Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is to get real close to him and breathe on his goggles.

American basketball player
Basketball Sports

It's easy to stay in the majors for seven and a half years when you hit .300; but when you hit .216 like me, it's really an accomplishment.

professional baseball player
Baseball Sports

If you play against him, you hate him; if you play with him, you hate him a little less.

(1964 – ) Venezuelan-American baseball player & manager
Baseball Insults Sports

Lennox Lewis has two chances of getting a rematch with McCall – no chance and slim. And slim has just left town.

(1931 – ) American boxing promoter
Boxing Sports

Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Sports

Sometimes Howard makes me wish I was a dog and he was a fireplug.

(1942 – ) American boxing champion
Boxing Insults Sports

Don’t park in the spaces marked, “Reserved for Umpires.”

professional baseball pitcher
Baseball Sports

There is water in every lane, so it is OK.

Australian swimmer
Sports

It is so long it’s the first time I’ve had to take into account the curvature of the earth.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator
Golf Sports

My punches are just as hard in Chicago as in New York.

American professional boxer
Boxing Sports

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

When it’s third and ten, you can take the milk drinkers and I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.

professional football player
Characteristics Football Sports

A goal, an assist and a fight.

American ice hockey player
Hockey Sports

Congress

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Congress Golf Government Sports

An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame – Southern Methodist University game and doesn’t care who wins.

(1890 – 1969) 34th U.S. president, U.S. Army General
Football Sports

They wanted me to play third like Brooks (Robinson) so I did play like Brooks — Mel Brooks.

baseball player
Baseball Sports

Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it.

(1918 – 2001) American sportswriter, commentator & actor
Football Sports

If you call on God to improve the results of a shot while it is still in motion, you are using “an outside agency” and subject to appropriate penalties under the rules of golf.

British golf writer & commentator
God Golf Sports

Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Self Sports

Your clubs.

(1916 – 1987) television actor & comedian
Golf Sports

Give each guy on the line an ax.

(1935 – 2012) American football player, sports announcer & actor
Football Sports