Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Sports
(Page 107)
They’ve picked their heads up off the ground and they now have a lot to carry on their shoulders.
Ron Atkinson
English former football player & manager
Misspokements
Sports
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health
Sports
Herpes
And he’s done that in a whisker under 10 seconds, call it 9.7 in round figures.
Murray Walker
(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing
Misspokements
Sports
It’s Steffi’s [Graf] forehand off both sides.
Chris Evert
(1954 – ) American professional tennis player
Sports
On Monica Seles’ incredible forehand & backhand
Coaches who start listening to fans wind up sitting next to them.
Johnny Kerr
professional basketball player & coach
Basketball
Sports
Fans
She's slower than trying to bake a pie with a lighter.
Christina Kim
American professional golfer
Golf
Sports
Referring to Sakuta Yolomine’s play
One of the finest sights in the world: the other man's ball dropping in the water – preferably so that he can see it but cannot quite reach it and has therefore to leave it there, thus rendering himself so mad that he loses the next hole as well.
Henry Longhurst
British golf writer & commentator
Golf
Sports
Tell you what, you keep the salary and I'll keep me the cut.
‘Lefty’ Gomez
(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Baseball
Sports
On being asked to take a pay cut from $20000 to $7500
When you get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you’re getting your ass hammered by guys, there’s no better feeling than to have that done.
Matt Stairs
professional baseball player
Baseball
Sports
Some people say I play erratic golf. What they mean is I frequently play lousy.
Tom Shaw
American professional golfer
Golf
Sports
I backed a horse today at 20:1; it came in at twenty past four.
Tommy Cooper
(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Activities
Sports
Gambling
Horse racing
My sport is about 90 percent strength and 40 per cent technique.
Johnny Walker
Wrist-wrestling champion
Misspokements
Sports
Wrist-wrestling
He is the best left fielder the Cardinals have, the best center fielder they have, the best first baseman they have. He is, in short, the best ball club in St. Louis and one of the best in the world.
Red Smith
(1905–1982) American sportswriter
Baseball
Sports
Of Stan Musial
Hold when you're at home and don't hold when you're on the road.
John McKay
(1923 – 2001) American football coach
Football
Sports
On his team's blocking strategy
I hit a grand slam off Ron Herbel and when his manager Herman Franks came out to get him, he was bringing Herbel’s suitcase.
Bob Uecker
(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Baseball
Sports
Tired Gay Succumbs to Dix in 200 Meters
Reuters
Headlines
Sports
Sprinters Tyson Gay and Walter Dix
It'll take three good ones to be on in two today, Sir.
Henry Longhurst
British golf writer & commentator
Golf
Misspokements
Sports
Reporting a caddie's advice when playing into a stiff breeze
In most places in the country, voting is looked upon as a right and a duty, but in Chicago it’s a sport.
Dick Gregory
(1932 – 2017) comedian, social activist, critic & writer
Activities
Elections/Voting
Government
Places
Sports
Chicago
Come on Sandy, baby, loosen up, you’re too tight.
John Riggins
American football player
Football
Sports
While drunk and laying on the floor at a Washington Press club dinner to Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor
A sports expert is the guy who writes the best alibis for being wrong.
Jimmy Cannon
(1909 – 1973) American sports journalist
People
Sports
Experts
I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.
Knute Rockne
(1888 – 1931) American football player & coach
Football
Sports
When asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
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