Subject: Sports (Page 69)

When I was recruited at Auburn, they took me to a strip joint; when I saw those titties on Buffy, I knew that Auburn met my academic requirements.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Education School Sports

I used to pray to the Lord every night to make me a hockey player. Of course, I forgot to mention the NHL so I spent 16 years in the minors.

Canadian hockey player, coach & commentator
Hockey Sports

I liked the choreography, but I didn't care for the costumes.

(1939 – ) American actor, dancer, singer, producer & choreographer
Appearance Basketball Body Clothing Sports

The older you get the stronger the wind gets… and it's always in your face.

(1940 – ) professional golfer
Golf Old Science/Weather Sports

Sure, the home-field is an advantage — but so is having a lot of talent.

(1961 – ) American football player
Football Sports

His throw went absolutely nowhere near where it was going.

Australian cricketer & commentator
Misspokements Sports

I always have this dream that the guy coming in last for diving is going to do a cannonball for our amusement. – Olympic Diving

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian
Sports

You know, just once I’d like to hear a player say, ‘Yeah, we were in the game – until Jesus made me fumble; he hates our team.’

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Sports

I learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.

American basketball player
Basketball Health Sports

To symbolize our great relationship, I'd like you to have this framed x-ray of my ulcer.

(1941 – ) American basketball executive
Basketball Sports

Our goal is to score 27 points. If we can get two touchdowns and three field goals, we’ve got our 27 points.

(1937 – ) American football coach
Football Misspokements Sports

I'd have been more active in there, if only I'd been a little more sober.

(1950 – ) American boxer & actor
Boxing Sports

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Sports

Lefty Grove could throw a lamb chop past a wolf.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Baseball Sports

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball Misspokements Sports

You might be a redneck if… you think watching professional wrestling is foreplay.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Sex Sports

Trying to hit him is like trying to eat Jell-O® with chopsticks.

baseball player
Baseball Sports

No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point from port the wind will die.

Murphy’s Laws Sports

The way to stop Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is to get real close to him and breathe on his goggles.

American basketball player
Basketball Sports

Every day you guys look worse and worse. And today you played like tomorrow.

American hockey player & coach
Hockey Sports

Boxing writers are the only people out there who have less constructive jobs than what I do; I don't do nothing but hit people, and those mothers don't do nothing but write about what I do!

(1950 – ) American boxer & actor
Boxing Sports