Subject: Sports (Page 90)

Panthers Destroy Viking Visitors

Headlines Sports

They say they have picked Justin Fortune because he's the same height as Mike Tyson… so is my wife.

English boxing manager & promoter
Boxing Sports

And Referee Richie Powers called the loose bowel foul on Johnson.

American sportscaster
Sports

After I took the Olympic job, my wife said to me, ‘You love hockey more than you love me.’ I told her, ‘Yes, dear, but I love you more than hunting and fishing.’

American hockey player & coach
Hockey Sports

Reporter: To what do you attribute last night’s loss?

Dale Neal: To the fact that they scored more points than we did.

Misspokements Sports

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team; it seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

(1919 – 2006) American sports announcer
Future Misspokements Sports Things

It is so long it’s the first time I’ve had to take into account the curvature of the earth.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator
Golf Sports

Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Sports

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.

auto racing commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did, but it was Mrs. Koufax's.

professional baseball pitcher
Baseball Sports

Hornets Will Accent Throwing Game in ’81

Headlines Sports

The secret of my success was clean living and a fast outfield.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Baseball Sports

She's slower than trying to bake a pie with a lighter.

American professional golfer
Golf Sports

We (the Mets) are a much improved ball club, now we lose in extra innings!

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball Sports

One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator
Golf Sports

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’

American baseball player
Appearance Baseball Fat Sports

After a heavy reverse – It was an 'AW game. We were AWful and they were AWesome.

Basketball Sports

If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference?

(1919 – ) American sportswriter
Entertainment Sports

Tonight, we're honoring one of the all-time greats in baseball, Stan Musial; he's immoral.

professional baseball player
Malaprops Sports

The way to stop Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is to get real close to him and breathe on his goggles.

American basketball player
Basketball Sports

First I pray to God that nobody hits a ball to me; then I pray that nobody hits the ball to Steve Sax.

baseball player
Baseball Sports