Subject: Sports (Page 90)

Panthers Destroy Viking Visitors

They say they have picked Justin Fortune because he's the same height as Mike Tyson… so is my wife.

English boxing manager & promoter

And Referee Richie Powers called the loose bowel foul on Johnson.

American sportscaster

After I took the Olympic job, my wife said to me, ‘You love hockey more than you love me.’ I told her, ‘Yes, dear, but I love you more than hunting and fishing.’

American hockey player & coach

Reporter: To what do you attribute last night’s loss?

Dale Neal: To the fact that they scored more points than we did.

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team; it seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

(1919 – 2006) American sports announcer

It is so long it’s the first time I’ve had to take into account the curvature of the earth.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

Stevie Wonder could make one of 23 shots.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.

auto racing commentator

When they operated, I told them to put in a Koufax fastball. They did, but it was Mrs. Koufax's.

professional baseball pitcher

Hornets Will Accent Throwing Game in ’81

The secret of my success was clean living and a fast outfield.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player

She's slower than trying to bake a pie with a lighter.

American professional golfer

We (the Mets) are a much improved ball club, now we lose in extra innings!

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

One minute you're bleeding. The next minute you're hemorrhaging. The next minute you're painting the Mona Lisa.

(1958 – ) Irish professional golfer & commentator

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’

American baseball player

After a heavy reverse – It was an 'AW game. We were AWful and they were AWesome.

If you bet on a horse, that's gambling. If you bet you can make three spades, that's entertainment. If you bet cotton will go up three points, that's business. See the difference?

(1919 – ) American sportswriter

Tonight, we're honoring one of the all-time greats in baseball, Stan Musial; he's immoral.

professional baseball player

The way to stop Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is to get real close to him and breathe on his goggles.

American basketball player

First I pray to God that nobody hits a ball to me; then I pray that nobody hits the ball to Steve Sax.

baseball player