Subject: Things » Autos

When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.

(1947 – ) radio broadcaster & host
Autos Situations Things

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

Autos Definitions Things

1. Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
2. You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.
3. A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws New York City Places

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History

1. You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Autos Men Things

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

The way I see it… If you need both of your hands for whatever it is you’re doing, then your brain should probably be in on it too.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Autos Driving Intelligence Things

Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.

Autos Definitions Things

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Autos Definitions Things Travel

I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Things

What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise can you imagine the awful screeching?

(1890 – 1947) Russian-American screenwriter & musical composer
Autos Things

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

I learned in my car that I could not have children; it was the day that I locked my keys in my car with the engine running.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Children Family Mistakes Problems

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos People Things Women

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Life