Subject: Things (Page 11)

If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Things

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

Boomerang: A working model of poetic justice.

Things

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Music Success Things

Only after locking your toolbox/shed at the end of a DIY job do you find another tool to return to your toolbox/shed.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Absolutum obsoletum – If it works, it’s out of date.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

How To Avoid Huge Ships (Second Edition)

Book Titles Things

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Cottonballs are an example of something I’d want to buy, but not have as a nickname.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out; now I can go 500 mph.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright
Activities Shopping Things

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector… it was beeping all night.

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Things

I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an exact replica.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime Things