Subject: Things (Page 14)

The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I knew my parents hated me because my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Games Things

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

Definitions Things

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead… I think I did that joke backwards.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Conflict Future Things Time War

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Things

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building entrance.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Phillips Screwdriver: Used  to round off Phillips screw heads.

Definitions Things

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Family Things

The higher the building the lower the morals.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Characteristics Things

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Just tried to switch to Bing… Google was like, “You can, but it’d be a real shame if some of your old searches got out.”

(1973 – ) American writer, stand-up comedian, actor, director & producer
Computers Things

There is no traffic until you need to make a left turn.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel