Subject: Things (Page 15)

The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.


I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

Inanimate objects are scientifically classified into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape: if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.

(1945 – ) Canadian comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.

As every parent of a small child knows, converting a large object into small fragments is considerably easier than the reverse process.

(1944 – ) American computer scientist

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host