Subject: Things (Page 15)

To err is human… and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Computers Failure Mistakes Things

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector… it was beeping all night.

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Things

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner
Miscellaneous Things

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Autos Things

If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next year they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.

Autos Things

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Music Success Things

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Emotions Things

If most auto accidents happen within five miles of home, why don’t we move ten miles away?

Accidents Autos Problems Things

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the flashlight.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Murphy’s Laws Things

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations Things

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Dance God Proverbs Things

You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer
Autos Things

You never find anything until you replace it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things