Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 15)
The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.
Edgar A. Shoaff
Success
Things
Loopholes
Mousetrap
I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Situations
Things
Keys
There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Food/Drink
People
Things
Fruitcake
The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.
Paul Reiser
(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Things
Appliances
Xbox
Inanimate objects are scientifically classified into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Russell Baker
(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Murphy’s Laws
Things
A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money
Things
Bargain
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
‘Yogi' Berra
(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Things
Yogi-isms
Hotel room
Towels
You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape: if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
Steve Smith
(1945 – ) Canadian comedian & actor
Things
TV/Movie Quotes
As Red Green in “The Red Green Show”
Tools
You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos
People
Places
Rednecks
Things
French Riviera
There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations
Things
Time
New
Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.
Milstead's Driving Principle
Autos
Murphy’s Laws
traffic lights
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos
Things
Carpools
Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Fountain pen
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
Anonymous
Autos
Science/Weather
Situations
Things
Parking
Universe
The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.
Hogg's Law
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Space
As every parent of a small child knows, converting a large object into small fragments is considerably easier than the reverse process.
Andrew Tanenbaum
(1944 – ) American computer scientist
Computers
Things
Computer code
There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos
Sex
Situations
Things
My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Time
Watch
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Tim Allen
(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos
People
Things
Women
Ferrari
Pickup truck
Station Wagon
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics
People
Rednecks
Things
Mobile homes
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics
Children
People
Things
Barn
Naive
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