Subject: Things (Page 16)

There’s always one more bug.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Things Time

Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Situations Things

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don't lose your place?

comedian
Things

A patent is a legal analog of sticky fly paper: it attracts some of the lowest forms of life.


Things

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Life

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector… it was beeping all night.

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

Traffic Light: A trick to get pedestrians halfway across the street safely.

Autos Definitions Things

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother – you’re not sure what you’ve got but you’re pretty sure you’re not going to like it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Family Relationships Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Autos Places Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

Awards are like piles… sooner or later, every bum gets one.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Success Things

Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.

(1923 – 2005) American professor
Things

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things