Subject: Things (Page 16)

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Science/Weather Things

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

Autos Things

Never buy a car that has a wick.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Problems Things

No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? … Use the dollar as a bookmark.

(1958 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, writer & voice artist
Things

People will accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman, but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Autos Driving Things

Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Things

1. If you can get to the faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off. 2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back ordered. 3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Things

There is always one more bug.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

Autos Exaggerations Things

A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
Things

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations