Subject: Things (Page 17)

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Autos People Places

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money Things Work

Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Dogs Things

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

Any program will expand to fill available memory.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

Definitions Things

You might be a redneck if… the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

Perennials are the ones that grow like weeds, biennials are the ones that die this year instead of next and hardy annuals are the ones that never come up at all.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Things

You get the most of what you need the least.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

Jack Benny's ability on the violin was legendary; everybody knew he had none.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Entertainment Music Success Things

Respirator: An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth… whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Things