Subject: Things (Page 18)

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

You might be a redneck if… the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Diamond: One of the hardest substances known to man – especially the payments on one.

Definitions Things

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

Communism doesn’t work because people like to own stuff.

(1940 – 1993) composer, guitarist, record producer & film director
Beliefs People Things

When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

I don't have any trouble parking; I drive a forklift.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Things

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

His car is so expensive the radiator requires Perrier.

Autos Exaggerations Things

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Never buy a car that has a wick.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don't lose your place?

comedian
Things

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos Driving Fools Intelligence Things

I love that smell of the emissions!

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Things

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time