Subject: Things (Page 19)

Nothing with a plug on it, nothing worn directly next to the skin, no clothing that will turn out to be too small rather than too big, and nothing that you actually want for yourself and are trying to disguise as a gift.

Men Murphy’s Laws People Things Women

The higher the building the lower the morals.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Characteristics Things

Cars will not have intercourse in this bridge!

Autos Signs Translations

You get the most of what you need the least.

Murphy’s Laws Things

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Conflict Things

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist
People Places Sex Things

When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

My Dad always told me there’s three things you need to have in the boot of your car: a blanket, a shovel and a flask; and he’s right – because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m parched.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Autos Conflict Killing Things

Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers.

American computer programmer
Computers Occupations Things Work

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Art Definitions Things

Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Definitions Things

Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.

Definitions Things

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.

typographer
Money Things

Users: Computer users are divided into three types: Novice users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer. Intermediate users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it. Expert users: people who break other people's computers.

Computers Definitions People Things

Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Definitions Things

The best shots are generally attempted through the lens cap.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I had to take the batteries out of the carbon monoxide detector… it was beeping all night.

(1976 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Things

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men People Things

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’

(1987 – ) British comedian
Things Wordplay

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong; every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.

(1912 – 1996) American country comedian
Things