Subject: Things (Page 2)

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

Money Situations Things

When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Things

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Money Murphy’s Laws Things

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.

(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Marriage Things

I don't have any trouble parking; I drive a forklift.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Things

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Autos People Things Women

Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.

(1971 – ) American actor, director & producer
Autos TV/Movie Quotes

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

Desk: A waste basket with drawers.

Definitions Things

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Dogs Things