Subject: Things (Page 2)

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

(1904 – 1963) American journalist
People Things

Personally, I’m waiting for caller IQ.

(1955 – ) American comedian, singer, actress & author
Intelligence People Things

Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else’s.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor
People Self Things

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Autos Places Things

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Entertainment Television Things

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things Travel

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder… I don't get on with my real ladder.

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
Things

If everything seems under control, you’re not going fast enough.

(1940 – ) Italian-American auto racer
Autos Situations Sports

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

When I was a child my father attacked me with cameras; I still have flashbacks.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Things

We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed without them in 'Red Storm Rising.'

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Arms Books Communication Reading/Writing Things

User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.”

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

1. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend. 2. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip. 3. Nothing minor ever happens to a car.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Problems

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Divorce Marriage Sex Things