Subject: Things (Page 20)

You might be a redneck if… you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks Things

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

(1947 – ) novelist, screenwriter
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Things

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Everything I Know About Women I Learned From My Tractor

Book Titles Things

When you move something to a more logical place, you only can remember where it used to be and your decision to move it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their soundness and validity.

Ideas Intelligence Murphy’s Laws Things

If you need n items of anything, you will have n – 1 in stock.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Men Sex Things Women

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Autos Things

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

(1907 – 1989) American writer
Beliefs Computers God Things

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Failure Problems Things