Subject: Things (Page 21)

A sieve may not hold water, but it will hold another sieve.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Things

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
History People Things Time

Interchangeable devices won't.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

1. If you can get to the faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off. 2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back ordered. 3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

(1947 – ) novelist, screenwriter
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday… so I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Television Things

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

America Murphy’s Laws Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Computers Things

Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.

Things

I saw a sheet lying on the floor… it must have been a ghost that had passed out.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things