Subject: Things (Page 21)

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team; it seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

(1919 – 2006) American sports announcer
Future Misspokements Sports Things

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Things Time

Guest towel: A small square of non-absorbent fabric surrounded by waterproof embroidery.

Definitions Things

When you want to unlock a door but only have one hand free, the keys will be in the opposite pocket.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

(1880 – ?) American author
Things

The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Chauffeur: A man who is smart enough to operate an automobile, but clever enough not to own one.

Autos Definitions Things

The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Science/Weather Things

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Animals Things

Whenever you need to stop at a light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

Last week I helped my friend stay put – it’s a lot easier than helping someone move – I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things