Subject: Things (Page 21)

The effort of catching a falling object will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed to fall in the first place.

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Old? The only thing that kept it standing were the woodworms holding hands.

(1954 – ) American writer

They live in a beautiful apartment overlooking their rent.

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Hey, if anyone knows how to fix some broken hinges, my door’s always open.

(1987 – ) British comedian

I could stand up in the seat and not hit my head.

American auto racer

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Rare is the “improvement” that will ever repay the time lost in performing it.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

1867 – 1931) English novelist