Subject: Things (Page 21)

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.

Definitions Things

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Alcohol Food/Drink Things

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian
Communication Things Wordplay

I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

Every car has a lot of speed in it. The trick is getting the speed out of it.

American auto racer
Auto racing Autos Sports Things

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’, but he hesitated.

comedian
Things

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Science/Weather Things

Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.

Activities Definitions Shopping Things

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Computers Definitions Things

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?


(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos Situations

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Intelligence Things

I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.


comedian, writer & editor
Things

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Things

Police radios are the aural equivalent of doctors’ handwriting.

(1933 – 2008) American writer
Things

Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.

Murphy’s Laws Things