Subject: Things (Page 21)

The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The main reason I don’t cheat on my girlfriend is so I can go for a shower without taking my phone, laptop and iPad with me.

British comedian
Computers Relationships Things

No shoelace ever broke being untied.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next year they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.

Autos Things

1. If you can get to the faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off. 2. If you can get the part off, the parts house will have it back ordered. 3. If it's in stock, it didn't need replacing in the first place.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of Kmart.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks Things

Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

The sun always shines between the visors.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

1. You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

When putting things back together again, there will always be at least one piece left over that will not fit anywhere.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Things

The annoying thing about Christmas is running out of batteries because the kids want them for their toys; I’m sorry, but if Christmas is coming – so am I.

(1975 – ) English comedian
Sex Things

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I had a friend who was a clown and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Death Friends People Things