Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 21)
A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations
Things
Grave
Rut
There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.
Cristela Alonzo
American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things
Scales
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
Things
Catapults
See-saws
Heirloom: Some old thing nobody liked well enough to wear out.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Heirloom
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Alcohol
Food/Drink
Things
Floor
Tequila
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard
Gary Gulman
(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Autos
Things
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.
Abi Roberts
British stand-up comedian
Communication
Things
Wordplay
Selfie sticks
I have a decaffeinated coffee table… you’d never know it to look at it.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink
Things
Table
Every car has a lot of speed
in
it. The trick is getting the speed
out
of it.
A.J. Foyt
American auto racer
Auto racing
Autos
Sports
Things
Speed
How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Permanent press
I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the ‘brella’, but he hesitated.
Andy Field
comedian
Things
Umbrella
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Science/Weather
Things
Electricity
Lighting
Rummage Sale: Where you buy stuff from somebody else’s attic to store in your own.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Shopping
Things
Rummage Sale
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Anonymous
Computers
Definitions
Things
Mouse
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
Lee Iacocca
(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos
Situations
Clean air
Environment
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
Dr. Laurence J. Peter
(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Intelligence
Things
Economist
Expert
Predictions
Tomorrow
I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.
Jonny Lennard
comedian, writer & editor
Things
Condoms
Trojan
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos
Things
traffic lights
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children
Family
Things
Fatherhood
Present
Soap-on-a-rope
Police radios are the aural equivalent of doctors’ handwriting.
Donald Westlake
(1933 – 2008) American writer
Things
Police radios
Any paint, regardless of quality or composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or otherwise, if applied accidentally.
Minton's Law of Painting
Murphy’s Laws
Things
On painter J. M. W. Turner's ‘The Slave Ship'
Page 21 of 41
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