Subject: Things (Page 22)

You might be a redneck if… you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker
Men Sex Things Women

I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.


comedian, writer & editor
Things

Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? … ever… there’s no reciprocity.


Health Things

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

(1964 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.

Definitions Things

Boycott shampoo… demand the REAL poo!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian
Money Poverty Things

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

People on horses look better than they are; people in cars look worse than they are.

(1904 – 1990) American author & critic
Animals Appearance Autos Things

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

The higher the building the lower the morals.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Characteristics Things

Your wife's stored possessions will always be on top of your stored possessions.

Marriage Murphy’s Laws Things Wives

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.

(1911 – 1991) Swiss playwright & novelist
Intelligence Situations Things

The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Autos Murphy’s Laws