Subject: Things (Page 22)

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Beliefs Things

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

Activities Autos Beliefs Problems Proverbs Travel

A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Animals Appearance Situations Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

Key Ring: A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

Definitions Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Arms Games Murphy’s Laws Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Autos People Things Women

Stuff tends to break when it is loaned or borrowed.

Accidents Problems Things

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Girls People Things Women

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright
Activities Shopping Things

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley LSD and UNIX; we don't believe this to be a coincidence.

American computer systems administrator
Computers Things