Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 23)
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life
People
Things
Doors
Glass houses
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Cats
Food/Drink
Things
Butter
Toast
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Antique
You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People
Rednecks
Things
Bathroom fixture
Front yard
There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.
Denis Norden
(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Autos
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Birds
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Purchases
Usefulness
I'd never buy my girl a watch… she's already got a clock over the stove.
Charles Barkley
(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball
Sports
Things
Gifts
Watch
Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Money
Things
Architect
House
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
Arthur C. Clarke
(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers
Things
Manuals
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.
Douglas Adams
(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Failure
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Situations
Things
Things hate people.
Pruett's Law of Perversity
Murphy’s Laws
People
Things
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.
Ogden Nash
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities
Husbands
Marriage
Relationships
Sleep
Things
Wives
Window
You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos
Children
People
Fly swatters
I lost a button hole.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Button holes
I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Things
Ice
Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.
Anonymous
Definitions
Entertainment
Music
Things
Accordion
Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Batteries
Flashlight
The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People
Self
Things
Shadows
Twitter makes you like people you don’t know, and Facebook makes you hate people you do.
Shawn’s Observation
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Shawn Holland
Twitter
Socializing on the internet is to socializing, what reality TV is to reality.
Aaron Sorkin
(1961 – ) American playwright & screenwriter
Computers
Things
Internet
social media
Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities
Autos
Definitions
Things
Travel
Road
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