Subject: Things (Page 23)

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of,  and you're buying again.

Definitions Things

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

There’s an unseen force which lets birds know when you’ve just washed your car.

(1922 – ) English comedy writer & television presenter
Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I'd never buy my girl a watch… she's already got a clock over the stove.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball Sports Things

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Money Things

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers Things

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations Things

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I'm an ice sculptor – last night I made a cube… this morning I made 12

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Things

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Flashlight: A case for storing dead batteries.

Definitions Things

The only reason I exist is so my shadow would have something to do.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Things

Twitter makes you like people you don’t know, and Facebook makes you hate people you do.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Socializing on the internet is to socializing, what reality TV is to reality.

(1961 – ) American playwright & screenwriter
Computers Things

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Autos Definitions Things Travel