Subject: Things (Page 23)

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Money Things

You think it's possible for them to design an electric car that doesn't look like a gay spaceship?

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer
Autos Things

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age Things

If you're a guy, you're wearing a fanny pack, the only thing inside there's, like, a butt plug and Streisand tickets.

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
People Things

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong; every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.

(1912 – 1996) American country comedian
Things

Paper is always strongest at the perforations.

Murphy’s Laws Things

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Autos Places

The first word you see at the airport is “terminal.”

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Activities Things

If you can't fix it, feature it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

When you move something to a more logical place, you only can remember where it used to be and your decision to move it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Clothing Things

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.

journalist, media executive & entrepreneur
Computers Mistakes Problems Things

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Things

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

You might be a redneck if… you hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things