Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 23)
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Masai Graham
Things
Zippo
A malfunctioning car will stop displaying symptoms of imminent breakdown when driven to within one-quarter mile of a garage.
Rawson’s Third Law
Autos
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Things
(Hugh Rawson)
You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.
Anthony Jeselnik
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Arms
Conflict
Things
Guns
Condoms aren't completely safe; a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Bob Rubin
Things
Condoms
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Second Law of Infernal Dynamics
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Rest
Wrong place
If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.
Jimmy Buffett
(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Emotions
Things
(also Firth’s Law of Tailoring)
Telephone
We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?
Lee Iacocca
(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos
Situations
Clean air
Environment
A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.
Art Linkletter
(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
Things
If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
George Ade
(1866 – 1944) American writer, newspaper columnist, playwright & humorist
Marriage
Things
Elopement
Gifts
Old? The only thing that kept it standing were the woodworms holding hands.
Jenny Dennis
(1954 – ) American writer
Things
Antiques
That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.
Dylan Moran
(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Situations
Things
On learning to drive
If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Things
Fire exit
Flammable
Legs
I sold my house this week… I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Garry Shandling
(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous
Things
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Things
Machinery
Pencil sharpener
The two leading recipes for success are building a better mousetrap and finding a bigger loophole.
Edgar A. Shoaff
Success
Things
Loopholes
Mousetrap
Baseball is the only thing beside the paper clip that hasn't changed.
Bill Veeck
(1914 – 1986) American baseball team owner & promoter
Baseball
Sports
Things
Paper clips
What are imitation rhinestones?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Imitation
Rhinestones
I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’
Paul Taylor
(1987 – ) British comedian
Things
Wordplay
Time machine
There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.
Cristela Alonzo
American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things
Scales
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Robertson's Law
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Lost
Inanimate objects are scientifically classified into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
Russell Baker
(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Page 23 of 41
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