Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 24)
The higher the building the lower the morals.
Noel Coward
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Characteristics
Things
Morals
The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.
Law of Applied Confusion
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Shipment
Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.
Calvin Trillin
(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Situations
Things
Macrame
Selling
Things always fall at right angles.
Sprinkle's Law
Accidents
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Things
A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals
Things
Goodyear Blimp
Manatee
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.
Tim Allen
(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents
Autos
History
Eyewitness Accounts
The main reason I don’t cheat on my girlfriend is so I can go for a shower without taking my phone, laptop and iPad with me.
Kai Humphries
British comedian
Computers
Relationships
Things
Privacy
Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to.
Fourth Law of Office Murphology
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Things
Envelopes
Stamps
My car broke down this morning before I did.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Autos
Things
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Masai Graham
Things
Zippo
After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes – the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.
Law of Road Construction
Autos
Murphy’s Laws
Traffic
When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.
Wayne Federman
(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos
Driving
Family
Parents
Situations
Florida
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People
Things
Spiderman
The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.
Boyle's Other Law
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Drapes
I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos
Marriage
Things
Wives
Infidelity
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
Paula Poundstone
(1959 – ) American comedian
Autos
Things
Speeding
Stuff tends to break when it is loaned or borrowed.
Anonymous
Accidents
Problems
Things
Borrowing
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Autos
Driving
Fools
Intelligence
Things
Maniac
I'd never buy my girl a watch… she's already got a clock over the stove.
Charles Barkley
(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality
Basketball
Sports
Things
Gifts
Watch
I hate women because they always know where things are.
James Thurber
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
People
Things
Women
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”
Dave Attell
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Alcohol
Autos
Driving
Food/Drink
Things
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