Subject: Things (Page 24)

The higher the building the lower the morals.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter

The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.

Anybody caught selling macrame in public should be dyed a natural color and hung out to dry.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist

Things always fall at right angles.

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

The main reason I don’t cheat on my girlfriend is so I can go for a shower without taking my phone, laptop and iPad with me.

British comedian

Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick them will stick to other things when you don't want them to.

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? … one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.


After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes – the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.

(1959 – ) American comedian

Stuff tends to break when it is loaned or borrowed.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I'd never buy my girl a watch… she's already got a clock over the stove.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

I hate women because they always know where things are.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host