Subject: Things (Page 24)

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

Umbrella: A movable roof.

Definitions Things

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money Things

If it’s good, they’ll stop making it.

(1909 – 2001) editorial cartoonist & author
Murphy’s Laws Things

There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Traffic congestion increases in proportion to the length of time the street is supervised by a traffic control officer.

Autos Government Murphy’s Laws

There is always one more bug.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Science/Weather Things

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

Any organization is like a septic tank; the really big chunks rise to the top.

(1923 – 2005) American professor
Things

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Fancy Coffins (To Make Yourself)

Book Titles Things

I thought “RV” stood for “Recreational Vehicle…” No! It stands for “Ruins Vacations.”

Autos Things

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics People Rednecks Things

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


Computers Sex Things

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things