Subject: Things (Page 25)

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

That [artificial turf], local news, the IRS, and hair dryers are the four worst inventions of the century.

(1931 – 2012) American college football historian & television commentator
Things

Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.

Murphy’s Laws Things

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

I have one friend whose Facebook updates are exclusively complaining about Facebook.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Computers Things

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

(1964 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be… you watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Situations Things

Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host
Autos New York City Situations

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

Old? The only thing that kept it standing were the woodworms holding hands.

(1954 – ) American writer
Things

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Emotions Things

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

(1947 – ) novelist, screenwriter
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

If a string has one end, it has another.

Murphy’s Laws Things