Subject: Things (Page 26)

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? … Use the dollar as a bookmark.

(1958 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, writer & voice artist
Things

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I got a smoke alarm at home… but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

If it falls off, it doesn't matter.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Autos Things

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Things Time

The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The doctor must have put my pacemaker in wrong; every time my husband kisses me, the garage door goes up.

(1912 – 1996) American country comedian
Things

Boomerang: A working model of poetic justice.

Things

You might be a redneck if… you have a rag for a gas cap.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

The snapshots you take of your husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Self Things Wives

You’ll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old’s cold dead hands.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Arms Conflict Things

If you don’t know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That’s the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I thought “RV” stood for “Recreational Vehicle…” No! It stands for “Ruins Vacations.”

Autos Things

I like to leave messages before the beep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

Bachelor's degrees make pretty good placemats if you get 'em laminated.

(1980 – ) cartoonist
Education School Things

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
History People Things Time

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Duct tape is like “The Force” … it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Things

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian
Sex Things