Subject: Things (Page 26)

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

(1931 – ) television newscaster
America Autos People

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Communication Situations Things

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Divorce Marriage Sex Things

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Life Things

If you buy your first new car in fifteen years, next year they will introduce a new model with twenty seven new features never seen on a car before and the introductory price of the car will be eleven hundred dollars less than you paid for yours.

Autos Things

Condoms aren't completely safe; a friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Things

His tattoos are like shit that you wrote on the cover of your notebook.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian
Insults Things

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Money People Things

Automatic simply means that you can’t repair it yourself.

(1897 – 1991) Italian-born American film director
Problems Situations Things

If something’s old and you’re trying to sell it, it’s obsolete; if you’re trying to buy it, it’s a collector’s item.

Age Things

You always find something in the last place you look.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Husbands Marriage Things Wives

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Art Definitions Things

Among the things money can't buy is what it used to.

typographer
Money Things

The best way to find something you have lost is to buy a replacement.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Murphy’s Laws Things

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Driving People Things