Subject: Things (Page 26)

When you want to unlock a door but only have one hand free, the keys will be in the opposite pocket.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Men Things Time Women

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I have one friend whose Facebook updates are exclusively complaining about Facebook.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Computers Things

Do they still make wooden Christmas Trees?

cartoon character in, Peanuts, by Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000)
Things

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

Good parking places are always on the other side of the street.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

Inanimate objects are scientifically classified into three major categories – those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Murphy’s Laws Things

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

Awards are like piles… sooner or later, every bum gets one.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Success Things

Things hate people.

Murphy’s Laws People Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

You might be a redneck if… you've painted a car with house paint.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Things Women

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things