Subject: Things (Page 26)

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Clothing Sex Wives

I sold my house this week… I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous Things

A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Arms Games Murphy’s Laws Things

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Autos Definitions Things

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss? … It sounds like a near hit to me!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Fuses never blow during daylight hours.
Corollary: Only after fuses blow do you discover the flashlight batteries are dead and you’re out of candles, or matches, or both.

Murphy’s Laws Things

There are only two types of computers in the world: those that waste your precious time and those that waste your precious time faster.

Things Time

Ninety percent of “everything” is crud.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

Things

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Age Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Automatic simply means that you can’t repair it yourself.

(1897 – 1991) Italian-born American film director
Problems Situations Things

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Problems Things

Any program will expand to fill available memory.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Intelligence People Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Things

The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

Murphy’s Laws Things Work