Subject: Things (Page 27)

I recently purchased a yo-yo at a flea market for just 15 cents – no strings attached!

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Computers Failure Murphy’s Laws Things

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

The tombstone is about the only thing that can stand upright and lie on its face at the same time.

(1880 – ?) American author
Beliefs Honesty Lies Things

Confucius say… when driving near schools, open your eyes and save the pupils.

Autos Confucius say Things

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Food/Drink People Things

How do you get off of a non-stop flight?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things Travel

Respirator: An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth… whereby to filter the visible universe in its passage to the lungs.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Things

Absolutum obsoletum – If it works, it’s out of date.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Communication Computers Science/Weather Things

Do you think shaving cream really softens your beard… or is it just so you don't lose your place?

comedian
Things

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers People Self Things

Antique: Something too old to be anything but too expensive.

Definitions Things

No two people in a car can agree on which window should be open… and how much.

Autos Things

Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

If a string has one end, it has another.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Murphy’s Laws Things

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Situations Things