Subject: Things (Page 27)

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in; now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Desk: A waste basket with drawers.

Definitions Things

Never throw away anything unless you know what it came from.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Never buy a man a plasma TV until you’re married; a lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don’t need a girlfriend.

(1963 – ) American comedian & author
Entertainment Television Things

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

The tire is only flat on the bottom.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

Umbrella: A shelter for one and a shower for two.

Definitions Things

You might be a redneck if… your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed… it wasn’t the kind that folds.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Things

Accordion: An instrument whose music is long drawn out.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste… one takes to it immediately.

(1879 – 1979) English-American actor & writer
Things

Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

You might be a redneck if… the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Things

Only at the start/re-start of a DIY job do you realise the need to return to your toolbox/shed to retrieve another tool.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

If you play with anything long enough, it will break.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Autos Signs

Pictures deface walls oftener than they decorate them.

(1867 – 1959) architect, interior designer, writer & educator
Things

Always buy a good pair of shoes and a good bed – if you’re not in one you’re in the other.


Things