Subject: Things (Page 27)

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone.

(1899 – 1947) American gangster
Arms Characteristics Things

I can look at a car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Situations Things

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

Antique: An object that has made a round trip to the attic.

Definitions Things

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

You might be a redneck if… you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

A finished product is one that has already seen its better days.

(1912 – 2010) Canadian-born American radio & television personality & humorist
Things

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

Even the police have an unlisted number.

(1908 – 1996) actor & comedian
Government Hollywood Law Things

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian
Situations Television Things

You never find anything until you replace it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought some used paint… it was in the shape of a house.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the building entrance.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things