Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 28)
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink
Past
Things
Time
Instant coffee
Microwave
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict
Things
Duels
Pens
Swords
1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.
Bedard’s Laws of Fossil Fuel
Autos
Murphy’s Laws
Driving
Gasoline
Patrick Bedard
Travel
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.
(Al) Ross’s Law
Accidents
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Things
Bare feet
I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Things
Treehouse
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.
Rod Schmidt
New York City
Places
Things
Bumper stickers
Hate
A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Autos
People
Things
Women
A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money
Things
Bargain
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
George Burns
(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Money
Things
Bed
Laziness
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Wordplay
Invisible ink
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
Bob Monkhouse
(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Mistakes
Things
Drawing board
Inventors
No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age of four.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Things
Telephones
Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
Anonymous
Definitions
Situations
Things
Upgraded and Improved
Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Window Screen
Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-old girl; Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old.
Betsy Cronkite
(1916– 2005) American wife of Walter Cronkite
Death
People
Things
Boats
Walter Cronkite
You always find something in the last place you look.
Boob's Law
Murphy’s Laws
Places
Things
My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos
Sex
Things
Back seat
I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.
G.K. Chesterton
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Places
Success
Things
Committees
Statues
When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio; if all the stations are rock ‘n’ roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.
Larry Lujack
(1940 – ) American radio disc jockey
Autos
Entertainment
Music
Things
Rock 'n' roll
Transmissions
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations
Things
Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.
Aparna Nancheria
(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers
People
Self
Things
Facetime
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