Subject: Things (Page 28)

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

1. The last gas station for 50 miles will be closed when you get there. 2. At the moment of any departure, the level of gas in your tank depends entirely on how late you are. 3. You only run out of gas after your wife tells you to stop for gas before you run out.

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers… and he hates New York.


A girl in the convertible is worth five in the phone book.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer

No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age of four.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.

Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-old girl; Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old.

(1916– 2005) American wife of Walter Cronkite

You always find something in the last place you look.

My wife told me she likes to have sex in the back seat of the car. I drove her and that guy around all night.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

When buying a used car, punch the buttons on the radio; if all the stations are rock ‘n’ roll, there’s a good chance the transmission is shot.

(1940 – ) American radio disc jockey

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress