Subject: Things (Page 29)

The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Autos Places Things

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Autos Things

Photograph: A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Art Definitions Things

Whatever is not nailed down is mine; what I can pry loose is not nailed down.

(1821 – 1900) American railroad magnate
People Self Things

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

(1919 – 2011) American news commentator & writer
Computers Things

Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

Autos Exaggerations Things

I got a $290 parking ticket today… my car only cost $240.

(1973 – ) American stand-up comedian
Autos Money Things

A pair of scissors should be a true pair; the second pair is to be used in place of the pair that is never where it is always supposed to be.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… your pickup has a two-tone paint job – primer red and primer gray.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

Things Time

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Autos Things

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

(1948 – ) English novelist
Intelligence People Things

You may be a redneck if you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Education Money People

Remember folks, stop lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Science/Weather Things

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let’s take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Life Things

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner
Miscellaneous Things