Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 29)
A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.
Bernstein’s Law
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Theodore Bernstein
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
Drew's Law of Highway Entomology
Autos
Driving
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Bugs
Windshield
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos
Situations
Things
Rare is the “improvement” that will ever repay the time lost in performing it.
Manes’s Law of Computer Enhancement
Computers
Murphy’s Laws
Science/Weather
Things
(Stephen Manes)
You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos
People
Rednecks
Things
Taillights
Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.
Mignon McLaughlin
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Money
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Lost
Value
An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Gerrold's Second Law of Infernal Dynamics
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Object
The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.
Russ' Law of Assembly
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Things
To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer.
Dan Rather
(1931 – ) television newscaster
Computers
Mistakes
Problems
Things
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Alcohol
Beer
Food/Drink
Things
Inventions
Pizza
The wheel
I hate when people drive like me.
Mike DeStefano
(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos
Driving
Situations
Things
People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.
Solomon Short
David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life
People
Things
Doors
Glass houses
On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos
Things
traffic lights
Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos
®
.
Tony Kornheiser
(1948 – ) American sportswriter
Things
Legos®
A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.
S.J. Perelman
(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions
Places
Things
Farms
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places
Things
Boxes
Mars
I’m very conflicted by eye tests… I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.
Caroline Mabey
British comedian, writer, actor & podcaster
Situations
Things
Eye tests
Glasses
Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.
Ambrose Bierce
(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication
Definitions
Language
Money
Things
Architect
House
Nothing with a plug on it, nothing worn directly next to the skin, no clothing that will turn out to be too small rather than too big, and nothing that you actually want for yourself and are trying to disguise as a gift.
May’s Law of Male Present-Giving
Men
Murphy’s Laws
People
Things
Women
Gifts
James May
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals
Things
Ant farm
Tractor
1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.
Bess’s Universal Principles
Communication
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Telephone
Page 29 of 41
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