Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Things
(Page 29)
After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.
Tim Allen
(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents
Autos
History
Eyewitness Accounts
This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.
Demetri Martin
(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations
Things
Peeing
Pool
Summer
Any product cut to length will be too short.
Klipstein's Observation
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Length
Short
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Marilyn Monroe
(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Things
Time
Calendar
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics
Children
People
Things
Barn
Naive
A private railroad car is not an acquired taste… one takes to it immediately.
Eleanor Robson Belmont
(1879 – 1979) English-American actor & writer
Things
Acquired taste
I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things
Plants
Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Durable Goods
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
Programmers' Wisdom
Computers
Murphy’s Laws
Science/Weather
Things
Programming
There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.
Katharine Whitehorn
(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America
Arms
Situations
Things
Cigarettes
Gun
People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it's black.
Henry Ford
(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Autos
Things
Color
Model T
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict
Things
Duels
Pens
Swords
Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.
Anonymous
Definitions
Situations
Things
Upgraded and Improved
Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.
Anonymous
Definitions
Things
Chatterbox
Telephone
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things
Vending machines
Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.
Irving Brecher
(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things
Hearing aids
Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Mickelson's Law of Falling Objects
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Hiding
Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.
Katharine Whitehorn
(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children
Family
Things
Zippers
1. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend. 2. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip. 3. Nothing minor ever happens to a car.
Hartman's Automotive Laws
Autos
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Weekends
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Van Roy's Law
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Unbreakable toy
The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.
Bill DeWitt
(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner
Miscellaneous
Things
Bathtub
Telephone
Page 29 of 41
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