Subject: Things (Page 29)

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Accidents Autos History

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

Any product cut to length will be too short.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol
Things Time

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste… one takes to it immediately.

(1879 – 1979) English-American actor & writer
Things

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Definitions Things

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
America Arms Situations Things

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it's black.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist
Autos Things

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Things

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

Definitions Things

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

1. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend. 2. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip. 3. Nothing minor ever happens to a car.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Problems

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner
Miscellaneous Things