Subject: Things (Page 29)

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Autos Situations Things

Rare is the “improvement” that will ever repay the time lost in performing it.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

You might be a redneck if… your the tail light covers of your car are made of red tape.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks Things

Anything you lose automatically doubles in value.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Money Murphy’s Laws Things

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer.

(1931 – ) television newscaster
Computers Mistakes Problems Things

Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Things

I hate when people drive like me.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Autos Driving Situations Things

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos®.

(1948 – ) American sportswriter
Things

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions Places Things

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

I’m very conflicted by eye tests… I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.

British comedian, writer, actor & podcaster
Situations Things

Architect: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Money Things

Nothing with a plug on it, nothing worn directly next to the skin, no clothing that will turn out to be too small rather than too big, and nothing that you actually want for yourself and are trying to disguise as a gift.

Men Murphy’s Laws People Things Women

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

1. The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
2. You will reach it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things