Subject: Things (Page 29)

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

This summer I learned that there’s a difference between peeing in the pool and peeing into the pool.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Any product cut to length will be too short.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host

A private railroad car is not an acquired taste… one takes to it immediately.

(1879 – 1979) English-American actor & writer

I like to tease my plants when I water them… I like to water them with ice cubes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Durable Goods: Those that last longer than the time payments.

Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction — from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.

There are some circles in America where it seems to be more socially acceptable to carry a handgun than a packet of cigarettes.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

People can have the Model T in any color – so long as it's black.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist

If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I’ll let you have the pen!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall; if I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

1. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on the weekend. 2. Nothing minor ever happens to a car on a trip. 3. Nothing minor ever happens to a car.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner