Subject: Things (Page 3)

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

A Canadian is someone who knows how to make love in a canoe.

(1920 – 2004) Canadian author, television personality & journalist

Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

(1973 – ) American comedian

The electric guitar – like making love – is much improved by a little feedback, completely ruined by too much.

(1967 – ) English comedian

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Boomerang: A working model of poetic justice.

His car is so expensive that instead of a stereo, Pavaratti takes requests from the back seat.

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape; if it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40, if it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, “Dude, thanks for the hammock.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I was at the plant shop for the fourth time last week asking the guy to please sell me something with a will to live.

(1984 – ) American stand-up comedian

In approaching a double door, you will always go to the one door that is locked, pull when you should have pushed, and push when the sign says pull.

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

I think it’s interesting that ‘cologne’ rhymes with ‘alone.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead… I think I did that joke backwards.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor

You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality