Subject: Things (Page 3)

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

1. If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
2. If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

It is difficult to see why lace should be so expensive; it is mostly holes.

(1880 – ?) American author

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I could stand up in the seat and not hit my head.

American auto racer

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you may come and go at the same time.


Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If you can’t navigate a one-level, five-item phone tree, you didn’t need a computer anyway.

The one piece that the plant forgot to ship is the one that supports 75% of the balance of the shipment.

The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device… they made their name bigger.

(1950 – ) comedian & television host

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding.

Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor’s new one.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist

Life is too short to own a German car.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”