Things | Just-One-Liners.com

Subject: Things (Page 3)

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

Mitch Hedberg

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If you can't fix it, feature it.

Last Law of Product Design

Murphy’s Laws Things Products

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Autos Things Headlights Strobe lights

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

Tim Allen

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

Accidents Autos History Time Truth Eyewitness Accounts

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Age Family Things Young Closet Elevators Grandfathers

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Barrett's Laws of Driving III

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

Laws of Computer Programming VII

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things Complexity Programers

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

Solomon Short

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

Body Characteristics Situations Things Bleeding heart Carpeting

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

Jimmy Carr

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Things Tampons

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

Loni Love

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress

Autos Money People Handicaps Parking spaces

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Gerrold's Second Law of Infernal Dynamics

Murphy’s Laws Things Object

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Law of the Search

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Things Heads and arms Museum

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

Anonymous

Computers Definitions Things Mouse

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Steven Wright

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Things Rare photographs

Fancy Coffins (To Make Yourself)

Dale Power

Book Titles Things Coffins

Never buy a car that has a wick.

Ford Pinto Rule

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

Doug Larson

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Autos Things Holidays Labor Day Traffic

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Language People Things Deaf Soap Swear

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

Rodney Dangerfield

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Autos Problems Things Carburetor

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

Bill DeWitt

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner

Miscellaneous Things Bathtub Telephone

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Subject: Things (Page 3)

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

If you can't fix it, feature it.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

Fancy Coffins (To Make Yourself)

Never buy a car that has a wick.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.