Subject: Things (Page 3)

When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform perfectly.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the states, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
America Arms Things

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

When putting things back together again, there will always be at least one piece left over that will not fit anywhere.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Police radios are the aural equivalent of doctors’ handwriting.

(1933 – 2008) American writer
Things

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Autos Places

Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.

America Murphy’s Laws Things

I’m very conflicted by eye tests… I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses.

British comedian, writer, actor & podcaster
Situations Things

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian
People Sex Things Women

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

1. Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed. 2. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. 3. Whenever a computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.

Computers Murphy’s Laws

Have you ever called the wrong number? They’re always in aren’t they?

(1964 – ) English comedian, writer, actor & musician
Situations Things

A patent is a legal analog of sticky fly paper: it attracts some of the lowest forms of life.


Things

The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.

Computers Money Murphy’s Laws Things

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

(1934 – 1982) English writer, comedian & actor
Reading/Writing Things

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes – the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money Things Work