Subject: Things (Page 3)

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

If you can't fix it, feature it.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights and now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

After you've heard two eyewitness accounts of an automobile accident, you begin to worry about history.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

This lane ends in 500 feet.

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities of the programmer who must maintain it.

A bleeding heart can be hell on the carpeting.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

I like handicapped men ’cause a handicapped man get a check and a good parking space.

(1971 – ) American comedian & actress

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Fancy Coffins (To Make Yourself)

Never buy a car that has a wick.

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, “There’s water in the carburetor.” I asked her, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In a lake.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875 … In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.

(1902 – 1982) American professional baseball executive & club owner