Subject: Things (Page 3)

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality
Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

I got a king sized bed; I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Things

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Dogs Things

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things Work

No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor oil.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Some guy hit my fender and I said "be fruitful and multiply" but not in those words.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Accidents Autos Things

Window Screen: A device for keeping flies in the house.

Definitions Things

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics People Rednecks Things

There is always one more bug.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

Autos Definitions Things

No name, no matter how simple, can be correctly understood over the phone.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Things

1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather Things

You might be a redneck if… you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks Things

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Things Young

People who live in glass houses might as well answer the door.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Things

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time