Subject: Things (Page 30)

Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.

(1936 – ) novelist
Communication Food/Drink Language Things

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

My grandma always says that she never gets any phone calls; so, for her birthday, I put one of those ‘How’s my driving?’ bumper stickers on her car.

comedian
Autos Communication Relationships

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
History People Things Time

I think the worst thing about driving a time machine is your kids are always in the back moaning, ‘Are we then yet?’

(1987 – ) British comedian
Things Wordplay

Men still die with their boots on, but usually one boot is on the accelerator.

(1899 – 1995) humorist
Accidents Autos Clothing Death Problems

An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years.

Computers Mistakes Murphy’s Laws Things Time

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Characteristics Situations Things

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Proverbs Things

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.

(1935 – 2002) English actor, comedian, composer & musician
Autos Things

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

When putting things back together again, there will always be at least one piece left over that will not fit anywhere.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

Children and [zippers] do not respond to force… except occasionally.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Children Family Things

Automobile: A payment plan on wheels.

Autos Definitions Things

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

Murphy’s Laws Things Work