Subject: Things (Page 30)

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Proverbs Things

Never throw away anything unless you know what it came from.

Murphy’s Laws Things

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Men Things Time Women

You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I always expect to see lottery balls blowing around inside there with him.

comedian
Autos Things

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director
Family Fathers Money Poverty Things

I was at a party a couple of weeks ago, talking to this guy about the Gaza Strip; he thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

(1961 – ) comedian, writer, radio & television personality & blogger
Conversation People Stupidity Things

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Things

Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!

Autos Things

You always find something in the last place you look.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

I locked my keys in the car the other day…. but it was alright, I was still inside.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs Clothing Things

To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer.

(1931 – ) television newscaster
Computers Mistakes Problems Things

A full-grown manatee, which can weigh more than 1,000 pounds, looks like the result of a genetic experiment involving a walrus and the Goodyear Blimp.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Things

Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Alcohol Beer Computers Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Things

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People