Subject: Things (Page 30)

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics Things

Why is it drug addicts and computer afficionados are both called users?

(1950 – ) astronomer, author & computer security consultant
Computers People Things

Only at the start/re-start of a DIY job do you realise the need to return to your toolbox/shed to retrieve another tool.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

The farther away from the entrance that you have to park, the closer the space vacated by the car that pulls away as you walk up to the door.

Autos Murphy’s Laws

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
History People Things Time

If it falls off, it doesn't matter.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Autos Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

A cigarette placed in an ashtray will go out if you stay in the room; if you leave the room, the cigarette will topple to the table, burn through, and drop to the floor, where it will smolder until it descends to ignite the drapes in the room below.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things

I came from a real tough neighborhood; on my street, the kids take hubcaps – from moving cars.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

Keepsake: Something given us by someone we’ve forgotten.

Definitions Things

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Mobile phone cancer is more common in the city; so is everything else, including sex, coffee and conversation.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Things

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Arms Situations Things

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

Everything I Know About Women I Learned From My Tractor

Book Titles Things