Subject: Things (Page 30)

What a lucky thing the wheel was invented before the automobile; otherwise can you imagine the awful screeching?

(1890 – 1947) Russian-American screenwriter & musical composer
Autos Things

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Husbands Marriage Things Wives

Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Autos Conflict Fights Things

They [airplane oxygen masks] don’t really help you… they’re just there to muffle the screams.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Things Travel

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men People Things

Pumpkins are the only living organisms with triangle eyes.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor, comedian, author & radio personality
Things

You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Housework Things Time Work

You might be a redneck if… the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Road: A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Activities Autos Definitions Things Travel

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
God Men People Things

Don’t force it; get a larger hammer.

Murphy’s Laws Things

The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I don't have any trouble parking; I drive a forklift.

(1948 – 1990) comedian
Autos Things

Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Failure Murphy’s Laws Things

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? … Use the dollar as a bookmark.

(1958 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, writer & voice artist
Things

Get a new car for your spouse; it’ll be a great trade!

Autos Marriage Things