Subject: Things (Page 31)

How come irons have a setting for “permanent” press?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I have a time machine at home; it only goes forward at regular speed.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things Time

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex Things

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws… only catapults.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Appearance Body Fat Things

The amount of junk is in direct proportion to the amount of space available.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Emotions Things

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink Things

Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

Definitions Things

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out and now my car goes 500 miles an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

Why can’t Facebook end instead of Letterman?

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Things

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things

Harp: A piano in the nude.

Definitions Entertainment Music Things

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Computers Definitions Things

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Beliefs Things

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don't know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

Men like phones with lots of buttons; it makes them feel important.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Men People Things

Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things

A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Money Things

If a string has one end, it has another.

Murphy’s Laws Things