Subject: Things (Page 31)

If it can break, it will, but only after the warranty expires.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Divorce Marriage Sex Things

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Arms Fear Men People Things

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

The first pull on the cord ALWAYS sends the drapes in the wrong direction.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? … Use the dollar as a bookmark.

(1958 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, writer & voice artist
Things

My plumbing is all screwed up… because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Autos Conflict Fights Things

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

You might be a redneck if… the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one.

(1904 – 1963) American journalist
People Things

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

Bad Driver: The person you run into.

Autos Definitions Things

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances; seems easy… you just say what the thing does and add “er.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man.

(1971 – ) American actor, director & producer
Autos TV/Movie Quotes

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

A place you want to get to is always just off the edge of the map you happen to have handy.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Vacuum Cleaner: A sonic broom.

Definitions Things