Subject: Things (Page 32)

Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor… especially in the dark.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I love that smell of the emissions!

(1964 – ) U.S. governor (Alaska) commentator & author
Things

Traffic congestion increases in proportion to the length of time the street is supervised by a traffic control officer.

Autos Government Murphy’s Laws

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.

Computers Murphy’s Laws Things

You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Characteristics Things

1. All bicycles weigh 50 pounds.
2. 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain.
3. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain.
4. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

A sieve may not hold water, but it will hold another sieve.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Things

You might be a redneck if… you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Places Rednecks Things

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Science/Weather Things

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Places Science/Weather Things

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

(1972 – ) English standup comedian, writer & actor
Animals Arms Government Things

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realize that you are in a hurry.

Murphy’s Laws Things Time

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

Chatterbox: Another name for a telephone booth.

Definitions Things