Subject: Things (Page 32)

1. You can get “anywhere” in ten minutes if you go fast enough.
2. Speed bumps are of negligible effect when the vehicle exceeds triple the desired restraining speed.
3. The vehicle in front of you is traveling slower than you are.
4. This lane ends in 500 feet.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I went to look for a used car; I found my wife's dress in the back seat!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Marriage Things Wives

For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn't have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Alarm clock: An instrument used to wake up people who have no kids.

Children Definitions Family Things

You might be a redneck if… your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs Money People Rednecks Things

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


Computers Sex Things

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Proverbs Things

I told my doctor I wanna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Doctors Health Old Things

I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part you don't want to get dirty.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Things

A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

(1904 – 1979) Jewish-American humorist, author & screenwriter
Definitions Places Things

I think I've figured this balloon thing out, Marge. It can go up and down, but not side to side or back in time.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Things TV/Movie Quotes

Carla: I have a way with inanimate objects.

Cliff: Maybe you’d like to take a crack at Norm here.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur
Things TV/Movie Quotes

If only two cars are left in a vast parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Failure Problems Things

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Things

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers People Self Things

I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200 miles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Nothing that I know can help you with your car… ever… unless you’re like: “Hey I’ve got a flat tire, does anyone here know a lot about the “Cosby Show”?’

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Autos Things