Subject: Things (Page 32)

Upgraded and Improved: Didn't work the second time.

Definitions Situations Things

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me; I said, “Well, what do you need?”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Arms Canada Places Things

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.

British stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Communication Things Wordplay

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Emotions Things Women

Love will make you move all the way across the country and sell all your shit… just to get away from that person.

(1967 – ) is an American comedian & actor
Emotions Love Things

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Things

The one piece that holds the whole thing together will be missing.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom… most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

The better the four-wheel drive, the further away you'll be when you get stuck.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Boomerangs: They're making a comeback!

Headlines Things

My neighbor has a circular driveway… he can’t get out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Friends Things

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Things

I figure if I give them (buses) exact change, they should take me exactly where I want to go.

(1952 – ) American comedian & actor
Things

Never buy a car that has a wick.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.


Computers Sex Things

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Things

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.

(1917 – ) English physicist & science fiction author
Computers Things

A church steeple with a lightning rod on top shows a lack of confidence.

(1959 – ) Australian writer & television producer
Beliefs Things

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Autos Children Family Things