Subject: Things (Page 32)

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!', and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye’, then you can yell ‘Cut!'”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Autos Driving People Things

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.

Murphy’s Laws Success Things

Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? … ever… there’s no reciprocity.


Health Things

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

(1931 – ) television newscaster
America Autos People

I bought a real expensive water filter, but it works too good; I just get hydrogen.

American comedian & actor
Situations Things

Traffic increases to fill the road space available.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I think statues are great; they show what great people would look like if a bird sh*t all over them.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Situations Things

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

You can't have everything; where would you put it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

(1964 – ) American comedian
Autos Things

The snapshots you take of your husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Self Things Wives

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Autos Science/Weather Situations Things

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Entertainment Things

I lost my mood ring and now I don't how to feel about it.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Emotions Things