Subject: Things (Page 33)

Diamond: One of the hardest substances known to man – especially the payments on one.

Definitions Things

A falling nozzle will turn toward you and land on its trigger.

Problems Things

My wife wants sex in the back of the car… and she wants me to drive.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Driving Sex

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian
Money Poverty Things

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Children People

Brecher: Unless there’s a canary in here, my hearing aid just died.
Interviewer: How long do those batteries last?
Brecher: About two weeks… longer if you don’t do any listening.

(1914 – 2008) screenwriter
Things

Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-old girl; Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old.

(1916– 2005) American wife of Walter Cronkite
Death People Things

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I have the oldest typewriter in the world; it types in pencil.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Science/Weather Things

You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Things

Bifocals are God’s way of saying, “Keep your chin up.”

American comedian
Things

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

If you find something you like buy a lifetime supply – they’re going to stop making it.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Things

Police radios are the aural equivalent of doctors’ handwriting.

(1933 – 2008) American writer
Things

The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Murphy’s Laws Things

How is it that one match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box of matches to start a campfire?

Situations Things

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Speech Things

The lights are most likely to come back on at the precise moment you find the flashlight.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Murphy’s Laws Things

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things