Subject: Things (Page 33)

I think a treehouse is really insensitive; that's like killing something and then making one of its friends hold it.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Any object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.

Murphy’s Laws Things

A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.

journalist, media executive & entrepreneur
Computers Mistakes Problems Things

I’d like to make a vending machine that sells vending machines; it’d have to be real big!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be and when I called someone they went “Aaaaahhhh…”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Things

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Autos Places

There's only two kinds of people in the world that own scales: people who think they're fat and drug dealers.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress
Things

On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite; green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the f**k did you get that banana at?'

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Cooking Definitions Food/Drink Things

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop.

Murphy’s Laws Places Things

Diamond: One of the hardest substances known to man – especially the payments on one.

Definitions Things

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Computers Money People Things

Ever since the young men have owned motorcycles, incest has been dying out.

(1911 – 1991) Swiss playwright & novelist
Intelligence Situations Things

Saturday afternoon, although occurring at regular and well-foreseen intervals, always takes this railway by surprise.

(1836 – 1911) English dramatist, librettist, poet & illustrator
Problems Things

I knew these Siamese twins; they moved to England, so the other one could drive.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving England Places

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realized you could watch it on TV for nothing.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things