Subject: Things (Page 33)

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Money Things Work

I got a new diaphragm… well, it's new to me.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Things

The sun always shines between the visors.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Four be the things I’d been better without;

love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Things

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

Things Time

I invented the cordless extension cord.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

The Baltimore Colts are a bright young team; it seems as if they have their future ahead of them.

(1919 – 2006) American sports announcer
Future Misspokements Sports Things

The most delicate component will be dropped.

Accidents Murphy’s Laws Things

I installed a skylight in my apartment…. the people who live above me are furious!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Things

Never throw away anything unless you know what it came from.

Murphy’s Laws Things

Crowded lifts (elevators) smell different to people with restricted growth.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Things

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Things

You might be a redneck if… your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks Things

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Old Things

Telephone: A contrivance for letting us talk to people whom we don’t want to meet.

Definitions Things

No man can hear his telephone ring without wishing heartily that Alexander Graham Bell had been run over by an ice wagon at the age of four.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Things

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

Women like jewelry; they’re like raccoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor
People Things Women