Subject: Things (Page 33)

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

The higher the building the lower the morals.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Characteristics Things

The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

Murphy’s Laws Things Work

You might be a redneck if… your home has more miles on it than your car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos People Rednecks

Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners.

American entrepreneur & author
Autos Money Things

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian
People Sex Things Women

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos People Things Women

A falling body always rolls to the most inaccessible spot.

Murphy’s Laws Things

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same $50 bucks, [my friend] could've gotten me $50 bucks.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Things

Science has always been too dignified to invent a good backscratcher.

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author
Science/Weather Things

Don't let a man put anything over on you except an umbrella.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men People Things

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds…

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Things

Expressways aren’t.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone… when I came back the entire area was missing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

There is nothing wrong with making love with the light on… just make sure the car door is closed.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Autos Sex Situations Things

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Autos Places Things

It’s not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Arms Life Things

Fountain pen: A writing instrument that works marvelously in the store.

Definitions Things

You ever get a new cell phone and you're too lazy to transfer all the numbers over, so you just stop being friends with a bunch of people?

stand-up comedian, writer & actor
Things

Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.

Definitions Things

When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Autos Drugs Situations